


A journey out of darkness

by Silly_sander_blue



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Bipolar Disorder, Boys Kissing, Character Death, Depression, Friends to Lovers, Hook-Up, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sex, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:41:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 36,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27777049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silly_sander_blue/pseuds/Silly_sander_blue
Summary: Robbe has lost his lover and now he is struggling to survive this enormous loss. (Some self harm / suicide / alcoholism / sexual assault) will be mentioned so please be careful though they are not explained in details.There are moments that he really wants to give it all up but then there always is some little light or some love to make him resist the urge to close his eyes to all the good things that are left.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Robbe IJzermans, Jens Stoffels/Lucas van der Heijden, Sander Driesen/Britt Ingelbrecht, Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans, Senne De Smet/Zoë Loockx
Comments: 59
Kudos: 99





	1. Chapter 1

He is panting, so is the guy behind him. he doesn't even remember the face of the guy. He just entered another bar again, got a little tipsy and started flirting with the nearest guy in the bar. They drank some more beer before they end up in toilet fucking. 

The guy start thrusting faster inside him while he has pinned Robbe's small body to the wall .

And after a minute he comes inside Robbe. He gets his dick out of him and throws the condom somewhere on the floor and leaves the bathroom before even checking if Robbe has reached his orgasm.

Robbe doesn't expect something like that either. He's used to these kind of guys. It's been a couple of months that he's been hooking up and having these quick sex in the bathroom.

He takes his dick in his hand and continue stroking it fast. He's a little too tipsy to concentrate but he comes all over his hands after a minute.  
His headache reaching its peak at the same time his orgasm hits his body. After a minute his breathing starts to even out and the pounding in his head send the pain to every inch of his head .

He leans his forehead to the cold wall and try to ease the pain that now is even hurting his eyes. He's so fucked, he needs to go home.  
If you can actually call an empty bed inside a cold dark room a home! 

After everything went down to shit and his life became an everlasting nightmare , after Elliott's death , if he can say death because it wasn't a normal accidental death. 

He killed himself. On one winter night, one of those cold nights that seems to have no end, Elliott decided for both of them that it would be better if he jump off the bridge. He just left Robbe to live a nightmare on his own. 

and still after one year and a half Robbe wonders how Elliott thought that Robbe could survive his absence. Did he even think about Robbe when he was doing it? 

Elliott had only left a note on the night stand beside bed . He had written that he was sorry that it was the best choice. He had asked Robbe to move on to live his life. But how could Robbe do that? How cold he swallow the pain that was in his throat, constantly making it hard for him to breath . How could he stop his eyes from burning with tears?

Robbe thought about killing himself.many nights. All those nights that he spent sobbing violently, screaming silently in Elliott's pillow, in their bed, a bed that used to be their safe place. Whenever any of them thought that life was being too much, that they couldn't face it anymore, they would find each other in their safe place, cuddling and whispering in each other's ears that they would face it together tomorrow, that now they would take it minute by minute, but it seems like it wasn't enough for Elliott, he didn't feel safe enough in Robbe's arms. 

And instead for Robbe after Elliott's death he realized that it wasn't their bed that was his safe place but Elliott's arms were that safety that he wanted to bury himself in them forever. And now he had lost his safe place, his home, his last hope. He was a walking corpse. 

Robbe thought about killing himself but he did not do it. He pushed the thought away though it could be tempting at times.  
He pushed it away for the people he was loved by. Though he could not get himself to feel love anymore, he knew that his mama, Milan, Jens, Zoë and the rest of his friends loved him. And since he had felt himself how it feels to lose the one you love, he couldn't bring himself to put such burden on their shoulders, and in their hearts. He didn't have to enjoy life but he had to keep breathing for them. Pretending that he was alive.

And that was what he did. A month later he got back to work. Pretending that he was fine. His boss and his colleagues would give him worried glances and he acted as if he was not noticing but he did. he definitely did. but kept focusing on work.  
Though his dark bags under his eyes that was a result of his sleeplessness and drinking was giving him away but he acted tough and went on. 

He gets his pants up on again and gets out and stands in front of the mirror in the bathroom. He throws some water on his face. He lookes at himself in the mirror, well he is devastated. Black circles under his eyes and his hair is long and out in every direction, his cheek bones that used to make him look cute even kinda sexy now is more obvious under his skin make it obvious that he barely eats one meal per day. He has lost so much weight and he looks so old at least not like a 22 year old guy. 

He stops looking at himself, his eyes are brimming with tears but he doesn't even have enough energy to cry so he decides to get out of the bar and go to his little dark cave that is his bedroom, away from the world and people.

The silence at home isn't any better but it seemes that handeling people and their voices and their laughter and even their touch is not something that he can do. And this thing he has with random guys in bars , a quick fuck is only to torture himself more to make himself feel something but in the worst way , to be touched by cold cruel hands, to be thrown away after a quick shag.  
And fuck , it wasn't just this. After Elliott he has started these self destructive things to do. He has started cutting himself . He thought maybe physical pain would distracte him from the pain he is mentally going through but as he brings pain upon pain to himself , to his body, his heart remains broken, his brain keeps reminding him about what he has lost. Now he is addicted to the physical pain and yet nothing has changed in his head. It only gets worse.

He gets out and walkes to his apartment. By the time he gets there it is past midnight.  
He gets up the stairs and like this night couldn't get any more frustrating , Milan is sat by the door on the stairs. When he sees Robbe he gets up hesitantly and get closer to Robbe. It is like Milan wants to wrap his arms around him and hold him but he doesn't and Robbe can see it without even making eye contact with him. He can not bring himself to look Milan in the eyes. He walkes pass Milan and get his keys out of his pocket. His hands are shaking and his eyes can't see right due to alcohol that is taking all over his veins and brain. He gets frustrated and throws the keys on the floor and put his head against the door. Milan picks up the keys and opened the door silently . Robbe goes inside without saying a word. He throws his jacket on the table by the door and falls on the couch himself. 

Milan goes to the kitchen and comes back a few minutes later with a glass of water.

"Wanted to make some coffee for you but there is literally nothing in the kitchen so..."  
He put the water on the table in front of Robbe.

"How are you?" He asks.

"Fine" Robbe mutters .

"Yeah. Obviously!" Milan says and seats on the table in front of Robbe.

Milan takes Robbe's hand in his own hands and waits for Robbe in a pleading way to look at him. But Robbe is not ready for these kinds of conversations , he already knows what Milan wants to say, ' you should try to forget' ' you should start dating again' 'you should fucking move on' but he knows he can't and maybe he doesn't want to either. 

" Not now milan. I'm tired and need to sleep."

" I don't think it is going to be any different if I go now and come back tomorrow. You alway seem to have an excuse to get rid of me, to get rid of all of us actually"

Robbe stays silent. He knows Milan is right but honestly he has no clue himself that when he's going to be ready to let go of all this, he just knows that in this moment it seems impossible. 

Milan squeeze Robbe's hands in his own and starts speaking again but in a softer voice.

" Robb , I know it's hard I know you feel lost. But you have to move on. And you absolutely don't have to do it on your own. We are all waiting for you to ask for help . We love you Robbe . Just ask then you don't have to go alone anymore." 

He remained silent for a second and started again " But You know what, I'm not even going to wait for you to ask anymore since it's getting you forever. I'm not gonna let you ruin yourself like that."

Robbe rolls his teary eyes " Milan...I can... "

" No no no. That's enough. Get up. We are going to my place now. And I also talked to your therapist and she said the last time she saw you was six months ago but you told me you were going there constantly. I was such a fool to believe you. Now get up. I'm not letting you do it on your own because you never do it"

Robbe wants to protest but honestly he's too drunk to do it.

They get into Milan's car and the rest of the night is a blur for Robbe.

Robbe opens his eyes.his head is filled with pain. This fucking alcohol is going to kill him one day. He takes a look around the bed he is currently sleeping in.

He remembers the room. He used to live here when he was 16.  
He gets out of the bed . He walk around the room. Tracing the wooden desk with his fingertips . And then the walls and the window. The glass is cold and sends a shiver down his spine.  
He looks out of the window and suddenly a series of memories are flooding in his mind. His coming out, shits at home that made him end up in the flat in the first place, his first date with Elliott, his first kiss with him after their date on the street right in front of this fucking building. He looks out of the window down the street. His mind can remember everything in details. Elliott's intense but soft gaze on his face when they were saying goodbye after their first date.  
The way Robbe couldn't resist anymore so he stood on his tiptoes to bring their lips together and the way Elliott reciprocated his feelings and even more. He got Robbe in his arms and spin him around in the air while Robbe was holding his neck with his arms tightly and giggling in Elliott's neck.

Maybe coming here was not a good idea after all. He keeps remembering Elliott but his therapist , the one Robbe was avoiding to go to for more than six months, had said that Robbe can't expect himself to forget everything and actually he needs to remember and think about it and be sad and cry and take his time with the tragedy of his lover's death and then little by little let it go and get used to it. But Robbe seems to be stuck in the first part. He is sad he is thinking about him constantly but he can't let it go he can't move on he can't face the future without his lover by his side. Simply he is stuck and there seems to be no way out of it.

His train of thoughts is interrupted by a knock on the door. He turns around and can see her blond hair from behind the glass of the door.

"Yeah?" He says. And Zoe opens the door and she smiles as her eyes meet his.

She hesitates for a second but it quickly goes away as she walks up to him , kinda runs to him and embrace him into her arms.  
"Robbe" she whispers. And Robbe let himself be held. Her embrace is warm and he feels safe. He didn't know how much he was craving for this till now, now that he was feeling it. He close his eyes and put his arms around her waist to bring her even closer, if that's possible. 

After some seconds she lifts her head out of his neck and put her hands on both sides of his face and tries to look him in the eyes. 

Robbe opens his eyes and smiles weakly as his eyes meet her tearful eyes. She's holding her tears she is trying so hard and Robbe's heart breaks a little more, if that's possible, for seeing her like that. And he curse himself in his own head for making all of them look this miserable and in pain. That is something he can't stop blaming himself for.  
She tries to change the mood to get their feelings under control. She smiles at him and caress the side of his face.

" I'm so glad to see you. I missed you so much. We all did."

"I'm sorry I didn't come visit you guys sooner" 

"Anyway you are here now." She says as she takes his hand and walks out of the room taking him with her. 

" Come. Let's have breakfast. I miss making some healthy food for you." She smiles and Robbe smiles too and he let her take him to the kitchen. 

Milan is sat on a chair by the table and he's reading a book. As he sees Robbe he puts the book down and smiles. 

" Good morning. Come sit down here"  
He taps the chair beside his own and Robbe goes and sits beside him .

" Where is senne?" Robbe asks.

"He went home to his parents to visit them." Zoe says.

Robbe nods and takes the coffee from Zoe's hand. "Thanks"

"So Milan told me you are coming to Jens's birthday party tonight" Zoe says while bringing her cup to her lips to take a sip of her coffee.

" Fuck it's his birthday I totally forgot" Robbes says as he buries his face in his hands. 

" Don't worry. Lucas has already planned everything." Milan says with a smirk." You just need to come to the party . I'm sure he misses you so much."

"Yeah I'm sure he'll be glad to see you" Zoe repeats after Milan.

" I'm not sure if he wants to see me like that , like coming out of blue and maybe I should apologize first and ..."

Milan interruptes him " Robbe if only one person is dying to see you is Jens. He's been asking about you all this time to make sure you were ok and the only reason that made him stay away from you was that he wanted to give you some time and space. He is waiting for you to go to him."

Robbe nods while his mind takes his attention back to the first couple of months after Elliott's death. Robbe was mad at himself for leaving Elliott alone though it was Elliott who insisted that Robbe should go out and have fun . He said that he didn't want a babysitter he wanted Robbe to live his life and don't feel obligated to constantly take care of Elliott.

So Elliott called Jens to come and pick Robbe up on their way to the party. And after the midnight when he got the call from Elliott's mom that he was... God it's hard to even think about it after all this time. So he just ran. Ran out of the party and all the way to hospital but when he got there it was just too late.  
After that he could not face Jens . Jens was with him when he decided to leave his boyfriend when he decided to be irresponsible toward his lover and his needs. He left him alone and kept blaming himself for that.  
Tough Jens told him hundreds of times, Even thousands of times that it wasn't Robbe's fault that it was not avoidable in that way that Elliott would do it anyway but Robbe just pushed him away and slammed the door at his face and did not answer his calls and finally he ended up not seeing his best friend more than a year. 

Though he once called Jens to apologize and Jens said there was no need for that and Robbe could see him and visit him whenever he wanted to. Jens was truly a good friend , he gave him time he said he could wait till Robbe be able to face him again. But Robbe never felt he could do it.

This time his thoughts were interrupted by Milan.

" Ok Robbe go take a shower and get some rest. It's arranged. We are going to partyyy" 

he said it in a very Milan way that made Robbe let out a small laugh. Maybe a real laugh after a long time. Still weak and fading but real.

They arrive to the party at 8. It's kinda crowded. Milan had said that there might be many people there since all Jens and Luca's friends going to be there. Lucas goes to an art school in Antwerp the same school that Elliott was studying in. 

They get in the apartment and lucas opens the door for them . As he sees Robbe he gives Robbe a big smile and open his arms for him Robbe goes right in his embrace and realizes how much he had missed every single one of his friends. They part after some time and Lucas says  
" fuck I'm happy you decided to show up, finally. " And then he gestures toward them to say" come in. Jens will be so happy to see you"  
As they get in to the big room Lucas calls Jens to get his attention " hey baby look who's here. " 

Jens turn his head around and sees who Lucas is talking about. As he sees Robbe the shock appears on his face . And he smiles in that soft way that makes Robbe's eyes brim with tears. Robbe gets shy and emotional and only manage to say "hi".

Jens waste no time . He literally run those three steps distance between them and hug him tightly as he whisperes "hi" in his ear.

Robbe let himself be held by his best friend as a tear fall down his cheek. Jens is breathing shakily it's obvious that he is on the verge of tears himself but he pulls back after a minute and try to laugh it off as he pats Robbe's shoulder. 

" Well Lucas said he wanted to surprise me for my birthday but this...this wasn't what I expected" and adds quickly " I'm glad you are here" 

Robbe nods and squeezes Jens shoulder  
"Sorry I should have come sooner I ..." 

Jens doesn't let him finish his sentence.  
"Don't. I'm glad you are here now. It was the best time actually. I got my best friend back as a present for my birthday. How can anything be better than this!?"

They both smile as Robbe decides to join the rest of his friends for the night. He missed all of them so much . He still can feel the pain in his chest every time he remembers that Elliott is not there by his side to laugh along with them, to hug Robbe from behind and kiss his head while whispering sweet nothings in his ear. He used to feel complete with Elliott and now he feels a part of him is missing. Mentally and physically. 

Though he really wants to spend the night with his friends and not make them worried he can't handle the crowd and the voices and noises. His headache is killing him so he tells Milan that he needs to go outside for a while and that he needs a break from the party. Milan understand him and Robbe loves him for that. For understanding his needs and being there to help him and cover for him. He is an angle rescuing Robbe way too many times during the years of their friendship. 

As he gets out on the balcony he feels the cool breeze going through his hair and filling his lungs. He breathes the fresh night air in and exhale a little shakily . It's been so long since he last joined a party with his friends so it makes sense if it's overwhelming for him . He sits on a worn out couch near the brim of the balcony and titles his head back on the couch and close his eyes. 

He remembers the first time he saw Elliott. It was also a late night through a party. He was sitting on a chair in a garden in Lucas's house . It was a pretty shity time back then . He was still in the closet and so scared. He met Elliott there and they shared a joint and that night after meeting him when he got back home he felt his chest was less heavy and he couldn't get the sound of Elliott's laughs out of his head. Robbe is sure that he had fallen for Elliott that night. For his blue eyes and warm smile and presence , something that he had never seen or felt before.

As he is drowning in memories he hears some one entering the balcony.he hears someone, a guy talking on the phone. 

" Ok, no I'm fine there's no need for that." Silence fell and again , some one , a girl is rapidly talking on the other side. 

" Yeah. I'll come see you tomorrow." The guy says.

it goes silent again.He opens his eyes for a moment to see if the guy is gone or something but his eyes meet a pair of green eyes staring at him. 

The bleach blond guy has his phone to his ear but he obviously is not listening to the other person on the other side.  
He stares at Robbe for a couple of seconds more then he might have realised he's being creepy staring like that because he immediately clears his throat and blink rapidly a couple of times and gets back to his conversation .

" Yeah.. um ... yeah ok . I'll call you. Bye".

He puts his phone in his pocket and stands there hesitantly before coming closer to the couch and says " is it ok if I join you?" 

Robbe nods " yeah." 

The guy comes closer and sits beside him on the couch. 

"You are Robbe right?". There is a kind of sparkle in his eyes and he is looking at Robbe like someone who has found their childhood best friend in a very unexpected time.

"Yeah.sorry But I don't know your name " Robbe says a little confused and also a little tipsy with a little smile on his lips.

The guy smiles and maybe a little shy, Robbe is not sure. 

" Well didn't expect otherwise . We never met properly. I'm sander." He says bringing his hand forward to shake Robbe's. Robbe takes his hand. It's warm and bigger than his own hands . 

"Not enjoying the party?" Sander asks.

" A little overwhelming and loud...just taking a break." 

Sander smiles at him "Yeah I get that. It can be too much sometimes" he searches his pocket and says" this might help a little ." as he brings a joint out of his pocket and smiles at Robbe. 

He light it and take a long drag and then hands it to Robbe. 

Robbe takes it and lets his lungs be filled with smoke. He keeps it in for some seconds and then lets it out handing it back to sander. 

" And you are invited to the party by..." Robbe asks .

"By Lucas. We both study at the art school." Sander answers while he exhales the smoke out. For a moment Robbe thinks he is hot but he immediately shakes the thought away.

" Though I'm older than him. I got to know him through Elliott. We had some classes together." Sander adds and Robbe immediately get tense. He suddenly rememberes Elliott talking about someone name sander. Saying that they were so similar and he even said that he wanted to invite sander over to meet Robbe. But then before it happens ...

"Sorry I didn't mean to make you upset. I understand if you don't want to talk about him especially since I'm an stranger to you." Sander says.

Robbe shakes his head and says " no. It's ok. Actually I remember you now. He used to talk about you a lot and he really liked you."  
A little smile appears on Robbe's lips as he remembers Elliott talking in that exciting way jumping around talking about art and making something extremely cool with sander. 

"Really?" 

"Yeah" Robbe nods.

Sander smiles as he continues "He used to talk about you a lot too. You were so inspiring for him and you were the centre of his artworks. He loved you in a way that I had never seen anyone loving someone else like that." Sander says.

Robbe feels his eyes burning with tears. But it's different from all the tears he has cried since Elliott's death. Those tears were for the weight of guilt but this is for remembering good memories, the way he felt loved by Elliott, how much he loved Elliott himself. 

"I hope you are coping well with the things that has happened." Sander hesitates but adds " Elliott never wanted to make you upset....

Robbe stop his stare at the dark sky and looks Sander in the eyes. They stare at each other for a couple of seconds. Like they are both trying to study each others feelings. Robbe doesn't really know sander but he feels like an old friend coming back after years of being far away. His presence is warm and familiar and Robbe desperately wants to know more about him especially now that they have been both so close to Elliott.

but they get interrupted by jens walking in the balcony. 

"There you are." Jens says as he approaches Robbe. But worry washes off his smile as he sees Robbe's tearful eyes 

"Are you ok?"

Robbe immediately removes his tears with his hands and stands up. 

" Yeah I'm fine. I ..."

He doesn't know how to explain all the things that he figured out about Elliott and sander in a couple of minutes but it seems that sander notices the reason for his hesitation and decides to intervene.

" Sorry I think it's my fault. I was talking about good memories I had with Elliott. We got a little emotional." Sander says with a little smile as he stands up and walk to the door.  
" It was nice to meet you Robbe. See you around." And then he walks inside.

Robbe smiles and nods watching sander walking back inside.  
He is yanked out of his thoughts when jens starts talking beside him.

"You know sander?" 

"Apparently he was a friend of Elliott. A very close one."

"Are you ok? Did he say anything?" 

"No I'm fine. Let's get back inside." Robbe says as he walks to the door but Jens pulls his arm to stop him.

"Robbe... I know you are taking it slow and I do not want to push you but there is this trip we are going to in two or three weeks... I'll be so happy if you join us."

Robbe seems to contemplate the offer " Who else is coming?"

" Well me and of course lucas. It's kinda for him , for his graduation from academy and the girls and maybe some of Lucas's friends."

" Have you decided on the place?"

" Well it probably going to be around beach . We have chosen some places. "  
Jens adds " you don't have to though. But if you feel like it just tell me and we'll go and have so much fun."

" Ok, I'll think about it. Thank you."  
And they head back to the party.

Fortunately senne has forgotten to take his keys so he calls Zoe to bring it for him. And Robbe goes with her . Before they leave Robbe takes a look around to find a bleach blond guy but sander is nowhere to be found.they leave the party in half an hour.  
When they get to the flat Zoe insists that he should stay for the night since it's Saturday he can go home tomorrow morning .

Sunday morning, it's still pretty early in the morning . He goes to the kitchen for some coffee that his body is badly craving for. While he's making some coffee a sleepy Milan comes to the kitchen.

"Good morning . coffee?" Robbe says.

"Good morning. Yes please. " Milan says 

probably frustrated by an intense headache coming as a result of drinking last night like no tomorrow existed.

Robbe makes some coffee for both of them while he has an amused smile on his face.

" I talked to your therapist yesterday and she really wants to see you. She said you can make an appointment this week any day you want you just need to call them and say when." 

Robbe stayes silent for a minute .Milan adds " Robbe. I'm sorry. I know you think I'm intervening too much but ..."

Robbe shakes his head and cuts him off  
" No Milan . I actually think I want to go there. I need it ."

Milan probably had expected Robbe to protest because he definitely seems a little surprised at Robbe's reaction. But a big smile quickly appears on his face as he sees Robbe agreeing on that.

" Ok . I think you can say how happy I am now. Mmm... And the coffee is good . When did you learn to make it this good?" 

"Have you forgotten that I used to work in a coffee shop for a year?" Robbe says with an snort . As they are both laughing some body enters the house. They both turns their head to see who it is. It's Lucas. They share a confused look before Milan asks Lucas

" What are you doing here I thought you wouldn't leave your dear boyfriend side the whole weekend." 

Lucas makes a annoyed face at that while sitting on a chair beside Milan and Robbe, totally devastated . 

" Yeah well i expected the same thing like I even had planned a breakfast in bed for him but I got a phone call from academy that I should go and take my stuff out of my studio because they want to give it to somebody else by Monday."

"Do you need help with that?" Robbe asks.

"No. I'm not gonna take my stuff home today. I'll just put them in Sander's studio and take them home later." 

The name sander takes Robbe's thoughts to last night and the conversation he had with sander.

" I talked to him last night. He was Elliott's friend. Apparently they were so close." Robbe says without thinking.he still doesn't want to talk about Elliott but somehow he really wants to know about this guy that he had heard about a lot but had never seen him before. He wants to know what made Elliott like him that much. It's like sander is a piece of Elliott's life that was so important yet Robbe knows nothing about him.

Lucas and Milan share an uncomfortable eye contact that doesn't go unnoticed by Robbe. They are probably surprised that Robbe is talking about Elliott. He normally tries to escape topics that involves him but now it seems that he is eager to talk.

Lucas clears his throat and says "well. I met him through Elliott. They were pretty close. Apparently sander had come from Brussels and they became inseparable in a short time." 

Robbe nodes. He can guess when all this happened. Probably a couple of months before his death. That was the time that Elliott would constantly talk about sander. He can clearly remember now.

" You didn't know about him?" Lucas asks.

"I knew but I had never met him before." 

"So who's this guy? Is he hot?" Milan says. Probably to break the somehow awkward silence and also, it's Milan after all , it's in his blood to say things like that.

Robbe and Lucas burst out laughing. "Yeah Milan . He's something. " Lucas says with a wink "but I don't think he's your type." 

"What!?" Milan says with an amused smile and a exaggerated hurt expression on his face." You don't think I can hit on artsy guys?! I can't believe you are understating my skills"  
They all burst into laughter.

After breakfast Lucas takes a shower and goes to academy and Robbe also gets back home .  
His new semester at the university is going to start this week and Robbe is both glad and annoyed at the same time. He's glad because he will be spending more time with yasmina and Zoe. He really misses working on projects with his best friend and also his smart classmate. And he is annoyed because he has to make a plan and stop drinking on weekdays and go interact with people and study and simply live his normal life again. like nothing has changed , like his heart is not broken like life is still the same but he knows it's not and it seems that the world doesn't care about it. He is expected to move on and he has got no say in that. So he has to pretend and even thinking about it is exhausting.

He's so busy that he doesn't realize how quickly the days pass one by one. It's better than what he had expected . Studying was hard due to his lack of concentration at first but then it kinda made him get out of his self destructive thoughts that he prefered to study even during his sleepless nights. It helped him it made him push those thoughts away, the thought , the desire for hurting himself, cutting his skin waiting for blood to come out of it and the numbness after the intense pain . After he gets back to his own skin and the dried blood and the ugly marks carved on his skin makes him cry and regret his actions.

He still can't stand the empty dark bedroom so he has decided to sleep on the couch . He has brought a pillow and a blanket and also he has put his books and his laptop on the kitchen table to spend the days in the kitchen. And when it gets too much for him to stay at home he goes to library and study there till it closes. He has decided to take it day by day, and if it gets too much he'll takeit minute by minute , as Elliott used to remind him. But it's different now and also harder because he has to do it on his own. They used to take it together. 

As he tries to shake off the sadness that is tightening his chest again he hears a knock on the door. 

He hesitates for a minute. It's Friday and he's not supposed to see anyone. His friends also know that they should call before they come around because of his busy schedule this week .  
He goes to open the door anyway and as he does he faces the person that he can say is the last human being that Robbe wants to see right now.

His father is standing in the other side of the door.  
His relationship with his father has never been good. He left the house when Robbe was 15 and after six months when his mother was admitted to the hospital his father tried to force him to abandon his mother and go live with him but Robbe refused that and he lived with Milan for a couple of months till his mother got better and then after two years when he was almost 19 he moved into an apartment with Elliott , the apartment that he is currently living in. 

Though his struggles with his father never got finished. When Elliott got admitted to hospital after his first episode Robbe decided to hide it from his father. He knew that he would never understand why Robbe was staying with Elliott that why Robbe was not leaving him just because he was too much work. His father didn't seem to know what love was and Robbe had no intention to explain it to him. He knew his father would just make fun of him. That was the kind of shit that he was.

After Elliott death his father finally heard it somehow that Elliott was struggling with bipolar disorder and so him and Robbe had the worst fight they could ever have.  
Robbe was depressed and he had gotten into bad habits. He would drink himself to sleep or cut himself . Once he was so wasted and was cutting himself in the bathroom and sobing his father came to his house , apparently one of his neighbours had heard him throwing stuff and breaking things and they had got worried so they called his father and when he arrived he found Robbe unconscious on the bathroom floor.  
He took him to the hospital and he spent a couple of weeks there . It was then that he started his therapy sessions . But things with his father remained fucked up.  
They fought after he came back from the hospital. Because his father had decided to start a conversation and blame Robbe for staying with someone so toxic and crazy like Elliott.

Robbe couldn't just be silent and listen to all those bullishit his father was saying so he started telling him the things he wanted to say for years. The way he hated his father for leaving him and his mother behind. The fact that he never loved his son and he would never realise how much Robbe loved Elliott and why he stayed with him despite his illness. That Elliott was not perfect but he loved Robbe in a way that his father could never imagine or do.

His father got out of his house after that and they have barely talked to each other the past year. But now he is here and Robbe can't say he's happy but he's not that angry either. Maybe time is healing after all. Though he doesn't think that time would heal anything after losing Elliott. That wound will always bleed.

He opens the door more to let him come in.  
"Hi" his father says after some seconds.

" I'm not coming in ..." He hesitates for a minute " Sara is waiting in the car for me"

Oh so after all this time he is visiting, he is not even coming in. His fucking rich girlfriend is waiting for him.

" What do you want?" Robbe says with the most emotionless expression on his face.

"Just wanted to see if you are ok."

"Hmm. You see now. I'm alive." Robbe says in an bitter and sarcastic way.

" Robbe ..."

"Seriously . I know you are not here to just see me. What do you want?"

"Me and your mom are doing the last papers for divorce. It's almost done but ... You should come for the last session to sign some papers"

"Oh..."Robbe really didn't expect his dad to be such a dick to just come around for something like that. But he kept his face still.

"Send me the papers. I'm busy can't come there. I'llsend it back to you " he says and before his father can say anything he closes the door to his face , not being able to see him for one more second.

After some minutes he goes to the window and watches his father getting into that fancy car of his girlfriend. He keeps watching the car as it disappears in the distance on the road.  
And again Robbe was wrong. The anger the frustration is still there. His father has hurt him and still does in a way that time or distance or anything can't make it any less painful.  
He needs to get out. Breathing in this little place with walls and ceiling and closed windows is impossible.  
He needs to distract himself and what is better than his self destructive routine that makes him drown in oblivion, temporary of course, but still better that what he is going through right now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So chapter two is ready ♥️ hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Also some sexual assault is mentioned so be careful ♥️

He can't remember how he ended up here.  
After his father left, the silence in the house was not bearable anymore. Memories coming back hitting him like stones. He needed to get away to drown his thoughts in oblivion. 

So he let his feet take him wherever they wanted to. 

Everything is familiar. The walls , the tables, even some people. 

Yeah , he knows where he is. 

This is a bar near academy. 

He used to come here with Elliott. He had told Robbe that it was their place. They even had their first date here.  
After him Robbe never came back in here. It was only one of the places that he could never walk in without Eliott. Probably if he wasn't drunk he still wouldn't be able to walk in here. He doesn't even remember how much wisky he has drunken on his way to here.

" Hey. Do you want something to drink?" 

He lifts his head up to see the guy that is perhaps talking to Robbe. He waits for him to talk again to make sure he didn't imagine the voice.

The guy takes a step closer though he's already passed beyond Robbe's personal space and says " do you study in the academy ?" 

Robbe shakes his head and lets out a drunk and lazy snort. "No. I'm absolutely not made to be an artist." remembering how every time Eliott tried to teach him to sketch something he absolutely failed in and embarrassed himself in front of Eliott. Pouting half joking half embarrassed and Eliott would always kiss his pouty lips praising his smartness saying Robbe was going to be a hot scientist till he started laughing too.

He takes a look at the guy properly though his vision is a little blurry.  
He is tall, not as much as Elliott. He has dark brown hair and green or blue eyes. He can't tell .

He puts his hand under Robbe's chin to lift his head " you may not be an artist but you are the art itself, fuck you are beautiful."

The guy gets closer brushing his lips to Robbe's earlobe.

" Wanna get out of here? " whispering it in an possessive way making Robbe's body shiver.

Robbe turns his head so he can bring their lips together and doing what he always do when he is alone and wasted and his ugly thoughts are eating up his brain.  
Fuck he is so wasted he can't even keep his eyes open. 

As they are kissing the guy grips Robbe's waist whit his fingers so tightly that makes Robbe moan out of pain that he vaguely thinks the skin there might just turn purple by tomorrow but he doesn't get away . He doesn't care. He may even want it.  
Letting him grip his body tight and pull Robbe closer They kiss for another minute before the guy part their lips and takes his hand and say "come"

Fuck, that hits him bad. Bringing back memories that Robbe was trying so hard to sink into alcohol.

that fucking first date. They were a little tipsy. Elliott put his fingertip on his collarbone kissing Robbe's cheek making him feel like he was in heaven and then whispered in his ear " we are getting out of here" and took his hand "come"

They walked through the city chatting laughing chasing each other in the late night empty streets and Of course Elliott was beyond understanding because he got Robbe to the flat and refused to come in for the night. They were both a little drunk and since Elliott knew that it was Robbe's first time he wanted to wait and do it properly to give him the best first time as much as possible. He had said " we have all the time in the world baby. I want to take my time with you. I want you to enjoy it ."  
Though Robbe couldn't resist without a kiss so he kissed him fiercely before they part. One of the best nights of his life.

He gets back out of memories when he feels the guy's strong hands pulling him out of his seat. 

They get out of the bar and as they turn the corner in the dark alley the guy pushes him up against the wall and starts kissing him 

Robbe gets shocked and he almost chokes as the guy kisses him with so much force.  
He parts his lips from Robbe's to go work on his neck as Robbe tries to catch his breath again.

He feels the guy's hand on his waist then he feels that he is trying to unbuttone his jeans .  
He is too drunk to stop him with his hands.

"Wait" he says as he barely can hear himself.

"Turn around baby boy" the guy says as he forcefully turns Robbe around and almost hit his cheek bone to the wall. Robbe makes an hurt noise.

Robbe tries to get out of his gripe but he's too wasted. He wants to get out of his grip to push him away but his body is not obeying his brain though his brain is not registering properly what is happening either.

"Let him go" Robbe hears someone . 

They are close and the voice is so familiar. But no changes happens . The guy is still pushing Robbe to the wall and making his way with him.

"I said let him fucking go you asshole."

Suddenly the pressure is gone and as Robbe turns around he sees the guy on the ground and a familiar bleach blond guy, on his chest. Robbe is really losing his consciousness but he can hear sander punching the guy's face before lifting his head up and looking towards Robbe . 

He slowly walkes up to him and puts his hand on Robbe's shoulder. His muscles are tense under Sander's fingers and sander has probably felt it because he is being too slow, waiting for Robbe to lift his head up and look into his eyes.  
Robbe's breathing is going back to normal, now that he is a little bit conscious but still way too drunk to stay steadily on his feet. He is leaning to the wall behind.

Sander puts a finger under Robbe's chin and lifts his head trying to find his eyes.

Robbe opens his eyes slowly and finds Sander's green ones staring back at him " are you ok?"

Robbe can only node which is barley noticeable but sander seems to understand .

Sander puts his arm around Robbe's waist trying to help him stand up. Robbe leans into his arms and grips Sander's collar with his right hand trying to hold on to him out of fear out of drunkenness. Robbe feels strangely safe around sander , in his arms and he just wants to curl up into his embrace and sleep forever. 

They slowly walk up to a car, probably Sander's, then sander opens the door and let Robbe sit in the car.  
The rest is a blur . he can barely see around. 

They get out of the car and as they are walking up the street to the building Robbe can feel pain in his stomach and difficulty in his breathing and it only takes five seconds as he pulls himself out of Sander's arms and to the side of the road and behind a tree , finally vomiting and feeling relived and empty of shitty alcohol in his stomach. Sander is quick to come behind him puts a soothing hand on his back whispering sweet things " it's good get it all out" " it's ok I'm here " and waiting patiently for Robbe to empty his stomach as some tears rolling down his face.

sander asks if he has the keys then he finds the keys himself and takes it out of Robbe's pocket and opens the door . They get in the apartment and sander finds the bedroom after a minute and takes Robbe there and lies him down and takes his Jacket and shoes off and gives him a glass of water from the kitchen and makes Robbe to drink it all.

He puts the blanket on Robbe and brushes Robbe's hair out of his face and looks at him for a minute ,worried but patient while sitting on the brim of the bed waiting and watching Robbe get comfortable in bed and goes to sleep . 

After a while He gets up to leave but Robbe takes his jacket sleeve tightly,

"Stay."

Sander hesitates and looks Robbe in the eyes before taking his gaze from Robbe's eyes to the window , looking away.

"Please. I don't want to be alone." Robbe murmures.

Finally sander nods that is kinda in vein since Robbe is too wasted to notice. He takes his combat boots off and also his black leather jacket. And lies down on the other side of the bed on his side to face Robbe. They fell silent and just stare in each other faces .

Robbe is struggling to keep his eyes open and only can part his lips to whisper "thank you."

Sander brushes Robbe's hair with his fingers hooking a beautiful brown curl behind his ear Still looking him in the eyes.

" Don't do it." "Don't do it ever again. It's dangerous."

Robbe knows what he means but he wants him to explain more. Somehow Sander's voice calms him down.

"What?"

"These self destructive things. Getting wasted, letting those guys hurt you like that."

Sander falls silent clenching his jaw as the fierce in his eyes turns into tenderness again and says " Elliott would never want you to do something like that to yourself."

Tears are brimming Robbe's eyes.

"I miss him." He whisperes as a single tear falls down his cheek.

Sander brings his left hand that was brushing Robbe's hair down to his cheek and brushes the tear away with his fingertips and whisperes "I know."

Sander take his stare from Robbe's cheek to his eyes and they lock eyes as they are both on the verge of crying. Though sander is more still and he has it under control but Robbe is wasted so his shoulders are shaking and he is breathing heavily. 

"I shouldn't have left him that night, I should have stayed, I should have insisted more." Robbe chokes up but continues " it's all my fault..I ..." 

Sander immediately cuts him off griping the side of his face gently but surely " don't say that. It was his decision. He loved you . He loved every minute he spent with you. You were good for him, you hear me? You were the best Robbe."

"Then why did he fucking leave me like this?" Robbe asks desperately fat drops of tears falling down his face.

"Because he could not take it anymore. He tried his best and yet it was not fucking enough. It's not your fault. He always told me that you were the best thing that had ever happened to him." Sander insisted on the last part with trembling voice and wet eyelashes trying to hold the tears in his eyes. but still certain like it was an obvious fact.

Sander can't stand seeing him like that anymore so he takes Robbe in his arms and places Robbe's head on his own chest holding him tight into his own arms and keeps playing with his hair to somehow calm him down.

After a couple of minutes Robbe's breathing starts to even out and He closes his eyes.

Sander tries to distract him with another thought, something that may not be realistic but can be something to hold on to, to think about.

"You know what?... there's this theory called multiverse. It says that there are infinite universes and there are infinite numbers of us living infinite lives . whenever I feel like I'm not able to have or be what I want I imagine that there is another me in another universe that is doing or having that thing . It decreases the pressure of regret. 

"There's probably another universe where you and Elliott don't have to be away from each other like this. A universe in which you are already married and have a bunch of babies." 

Robbe seems to like the idea. It makes him smile. He thinks about it for a while and says " is that universe also the one in which he finally invites you over so we can meet properly?"  
Robbe says it lazily, almost on the verge of sleep.

Sander smiles while stroking Robbe's hair.  
" Yeah. Definitely. " Placing a tender kiss on the crown of his hair.

He then feels Robbe's breathing evens out a sign that he has gone to sleep. Sander keeps him tightly and close to his chest and plants a kiss on his forehead before closing his own eyes.

In the morning Robbe wakes up to an empty bed. It's strange that he is here since he always sleeps on the couch, even when he's drunk he never comes to his bed. And suddenly the train of last night events hit him like a truck.

He first doesn't remember what exactly happened but then he remembers the guy in the bar and sander and their conversation.

He Looks around the room to find sander. But He's not there.

He gets out of bed and goes to kitchen and bathroom even balcony but Sander's no where to be found. He even starts to think that maybe it was all a dream.

He comes back to the bedroom to get his phone. It's on the nightstand beside bed. As he gets his phone he sees a little piece of paper under it.

There's a little drawing on the paper. It's Robbe's face. His hair all over the pillow in every direction . and down his chin the rest of his body is under blanket.  
There is also something written on the paper, with a beautiful handwriting. It says :

" You are beautiful in your sleep." 

A little smile appears on Robbe's lips out of confusion out of relief because now he knows last night was not just a made up in his head . Sander was actually here with him and they really had that conversation. It was like Elliott had sent this angel to save him. At least that's what had happened last night.

It's been a week since he last saw Sander. 

After that night Robbe wanted to call him and thank him but he didn't have his phone number. He first thought maybe he could take his number from Lucas but he decided not to do it since he knew Lucas would get suspicious and he would have to end up telling him the things that had happened in the bar and well he definitely didn't want to do it, to worry him or anyone.  
He didn't want to have to say it like ' yeah I just got wasted again and ended up almost getting raped but someone came to the rescue again!! To save me from myself '

He absolutely didn't want to share the happening with anyone.

After the conversation he had with sander he has stopped drinking .

Ok maybe stop would be too much but he definitely has stopped getting shit faced. Also has stopped those quick shags in the bars with random and now he can say sometimes dangerous people. 

He also has started his therapy sessions again since Milan wouldn't stop nagging if he cut it off . He loves Milan though . He even appreciates what Milan does for him. He has saved Robbe way too many times over the past years. And honestly Robbe doesn't know how to thank him for all the help he offers constantly. Milan has been his father, his best friend his gay guru his biggest source of support.

He also called Jens and told him that he'll go with them. He couldn't see his face but he could feel Jens's smile , wide and bright on the other side of the phone.  
That same evening Lucas added him to a group chat saying it was the " trip group" and every one who would join for the trip was going to be added.

On Friday Robbe is supposed to be ready by 5 pm. 

He is currently packed his stuff and is waiting for Jens and Lucas to come and pick him up.

They arrive sometime around five to pick him up . Happy and stupid and loud like always. 

It's a nice ride. The road that leads them out of the city is almost empty. It's along the ocean and Robbe spends most of the ride watching the glittering of the late afternoon sun rays on the surface of the water.

He still suffers from his habits. He still reaches his hand out to take Elliott's whenever he is lost in his thoughts and needs some affection and reassuring touches. He still turns his head from the window to find a pair of blue eyes staring sweetly back at him. But he always finds his own hands and eyes searching an empty space beside him. There is no Eliott . 

He painfully gets reminded of it every fucking time. And he can't run away from it so he accepts the pain and let himself silently suffer. Like it's a part of his life now. With no escape.

They get to the beach house around 8. It's dark and the sun has fully set.

The girls are already there. They were supposed to come with yasmina's car but some emergency happened and she said she could not make it so Zoe took Milan's car since Milan was going to his boyfriend's house for the weekend and didn't need his car. 

The group spend some quality time together laughing and joking and making food. Robbe has really missed the warmth of being around his loud and carefree friends. 

After dinner mojo and aroan arrive and as expected they drag everyone out of house to a club nearby.

Lucas says that he needs to stay because his friends are on their way to the beach house and someone should stay to open the door for them and show them their rooms. But Robbe tells him to go , that he would stay since he is also tired and needs to rest.

They finally leave after half an hour.

As the silence falls Robbe lies on the couch near the window and closes his eyes. He needs some wisky and maybe some weed but he decides to fight the desire that is tickling his nerves.

While waiting for Lucas's friends he falls sleep. 

When he opens his eyes the house is silent except for the low buzzing of the fridge in the kitchen. He must have been sleeping for a while. 

He goes around the house trying to busy himself cleaning the place a little like the tidy guy he is.  
Eliott would alway call him his 'tidy little lover boy' in a mocking but loving tone whenever Robbe was cleaning the flat or changing the sheets or gathering their dirty cloth to wash up , which happened more than only on weekends. 

Folding a pair of socks, probably Jens's, and putting it in the drawer Robbe gets back to present realising he is smiling.

It's crazy how his thoughts has changed since Robbe met sander. He used to let his insecurities get into his head and fuck with his thoughts and memories he had of Eliott.

But sander has reminded him of the good things , who is not the first person trying to do that, his therapist Milan Zoë literally everyone tried to tell him to remember the good things but it never worked that much. Vicious thoughts would always come around to mess with his head , with his entire life.

But sander brought something new. There is this honesty in his words that makes Robbe believe that the vicious memories where not real or at least not the only ones. And sander also knows Eliott , has seen him passionate about art, has seen him in love with Robbe has seen him struggling. As if sander has seen him so close like from Robbe's eyes or even closer.

He hears some voices from afar and looks out of the window. A bunch of people are approaching the house. They are five . He doesn't know the two guys who are walking in front of the other three person. But he can tell they are art students. The way they walk their hairstyles. He has seen many of them around academy everytime he went there to pick Elliott up.

There's another artsy girl . She has short black hair and her red lipstick can be seen even in the dark of the night.  
Wait, he knows the blond girl beside her. It's Britt. Jens's ex though Robbe hasn't really seen her properly for the pat couple of years maybe just vaguely at the parties. And she has her arm wrapped around a familiar bleach blonde guy. 

It's sander. 

Well Robbe did not expect to see him here. Like this and he can tell that a ball of anxiety is being built up in his stomach.

they are Lucas's friends so he should go and open the door for them .

when he hears a knock on the door he gets himself together quickly and runs to the door, he takes a deep breath to calm himself down and opens the door.

Well Lucas had told him that his friends were to a party before they head to the beach house and he can totally see all of them are drunk , more than drunk even. 

Except sander. He is sobber ,Totally .but maybe a little tired .

he looks at sander realising that sander is already staring at him. Robbe quickly looks away as the girl with short black hair wrappes her arms around his neck . 

" Hey handsome. " She blurts out in her drunken haze

"Hi" He lets out an anxious laugh as he puts a hand around the girl's waist to keep her still.

He looks back at sander who is holding back a laugh. But still obviously tired.

Britt is also drunk and sander is in the same position as Robbe.Robbe waste no more time as he let them in and shows them their rooms.

The drunk artsy guys go to the left since all the boys are supposed to sleep there.

Robbe and sander take girls to the other side of the house to put them in bed.  
As Robbe is trying to put the black haired girl in bed she pull him with herself and murmures something like don't go .It's been so long since the last time Robbe had to explain to a girl that he is gay . And by the stance that the girl is currently in Robbe doesn't find it useful to explain it with words so he just gently entangles the girl from his own body and pushes her in the bed and puts the blanket on her refusing to listen to her protests.

All the while sander is smiling and watching him from a few steps away from the bed.

They finally get out of the room. When they make sure the girls are comfortably sleeping.

"Do you want to sleep? You must be tired." Robbe asks.

"No actually. Want to join me for a smoke again?" Sander says whit a soft voice and a beautiful little smile that is in contrast with the dark circles around his eyes.

"Sure."

They go out of the house and sit on the wooden chairs beside the big window.

"Sorry about Noor. She gets clingy when she is drunk." Sander says with an amused smile, brighter than minutes ago as he  
inhales the smoke.

" So her name is Noor." Robbe look s at him and takes the joint "you know ...maybe in another universe I am filerting back." 

They are both smiling and looking into each other's eyes.

"So you remember!" Sander says Surprised and also kinda pleased.

"Of course I do. It actually helped a lot . It calms me down too."  
Robbe takes his eyes back to the darkness that leads to the ocean as he exhales the smoke.

He can feel Sander's gaze on himself.

" You look fine. At least better than the last time I saw you." Sander keeps his stare on him.

"Yeah. I've been better." Robbe looks at him again."thank you for saving me that night."

Sander nods and a little smile appears on his lips.

They both stare back into the infinite darkness in front of them as they share the cigarette silently.

"Why aren't you drunk like the rest of your friends?" Robbe asks after a while with a chuckle.

Sander looks back at him and stays silent for some time like he is not sure if he wants to share the reason but he finally says " I can't get drunk . It will mess with my medications... And also with my brain." He whisperes the last part.

Robbe knows that face. Robbe knows that frustration that sander seems to be so good at hiding.

Fuck. Why would the universe wants to do something so cruel like that to this beautiful human being . Why would he have to go through shits like that. Getting lost in his own dark thoughts and terrifying nightmares. 

He had seen Elliott. He had seen him disappointed at himself ,at the world. Somehow he didn't want sander to go down in the same way Elliott did. His beautiful Elliott. His beautiful lover.

He tries to lighten the mood quickly not to make sander uncomfortable "so this doesn't mess with your med?" He says as he brings up the weed with an slight and tender smile.

" I only smoke it when I'm around you...you know...to get you sit down with me." Sander says with a smirk.

Robbe is a little surprised at his confession. He can feel that sander is being honest but Robbe decides to take it as a game and play along.

He puts his hand on his heart in a exaggerating way and with a hurt expression on his face. " Do you really think I'm only sitting here for your weed?" Robbe says in a joking way and a smirk.

Sander laughs and God isn't this the sweetest sound in the world.  
Robbe feels pleased with himself that he has made Sander's tiredness subside and the happiness and ease of mind coming back to him a little no matter how temporary it is.

They keep chatting till their eyes gives in to the tiredness they both feel so they go back inside to sleep.

since there was not enough bed in the boys room sander goes to sleep with Britt. If Robbe was not sure that sander was with Britt now it was certain for him.

The guys and girls come back from the club almost in the morning . All drunk and half sleep.

Robbe gets out of his bed at 7. After waking up multiple times during night because of the nightmares that seems to have no intention of leaving him. 

Of course the centre of his nightmares, the centre of his fears is Elliott. 

He's frustrated that he has to see Elliott like that in his nightmares. Alone in the dark with tearful eyes , head on his knees sobing violently and when Robbe tries to touch him to take him in his arms he fades away but he can still hear Elliott crying, painfully, screaming ,asking for help saying he's scared and lonely. 

Every time he wakes up from these nightmares he is sweating, breathless.

He goes out of his room , slowly , trying not to wake up any of the boys.He feels like taking a shower since his body was sweating all night duo to those horrible nightmares that made his heart racing and his breathing difficult.

He tries to enjoy it though the water is a bit cold . He changes his clothes and goes to take a walk along the beach. 

As he's getting closer to the door he hears two people shouting in whisper .

He recognises the voices . One is sander and the other is Britt. It is like they are fighting. 

Robbe doesn't want to eavesdrop but he doesn't want to make it awkward by stepping out to them so he prefers to stay on the inside till they finish it . He can also admit that he is a little curious too.

" I took a look at your pills . You didn't take them yesterday. Do you want to lose it again? Wanna do stupid things to regret later?"

'Wow those words are harsh' Robbe wonders.

"Britt stop being a drama queen again. You know it's not like that. I don't have to take them every day it's just for the time I feel overwhelmed or sleepless. I'm fine now I even slept last night." 

Britt gets closer to him and puts her hand on the side of Sander's face.

" Baby you know I just want you to be ok. I care about you. Nobody knows you better than I do. Please listen to me. I love you."  
Sander sighs as a take a step back away from her.

" So be a lover not a babysitter. Is it that hard? Am I that unlovable?" 

He doesn't wait for her answer as he turns around and goes to the beach. Britt calls him a couple of times but he doesn't turn around. 

Robbe quickly gets back inside and sits on the couch in the dining room. 

Well it was too much information to receive on a Saturday morning. He needs to let it sink in.

He feels bad for sander. He wants to go and find him but somehow Robbe feels that sander wants to be alone. He may need it even.

He remembers that in these times , when Elliott was frustrated and when he was being seen as just his illness , he would want to be alone , though Robbe would never talk to him like that but he always tried to back off and give him some space. And he knew when Elliott wanted him to be around he would come back to Robbe himself.

Though Robbe was worried for sander. He doesn't think that Britt is someone who would make sander come back to her. 

Robbe immediately shakes the thought away . It was just a short conversation that he had heard or better say eavesdropped so he better stop judging everything based on that.

Sitting on the couch for a while Robbe feels hungry so he goes to the kitchen to eat something. Well the fridge is fucking empty . He remembers amber talking about shopping in the morning. 

He looks around and finds the list amber has left on the kitchen counter. He reads it and shoves it into his pocket as he get the car keys and heads out. 

When he gets out he bumps into sander.

"Hi"

Sander is acting cool despite what happened a few minutes ago.

"Hey. I'm going shopping. Wanna join me?"

"I don't have any weed with me " sander says with an smirk 

"Better. So you finally realise that I'm not hanging with you to smoke your weed." Robbe says with a wink "come."

They find a supermarket after searching around with Jens's car for ten minutes.  
Sander is a little sad but he tries to cover it though it doesn't go unnoticed by Robbe .

As they are searching into shelves Robbe suddenly stops.

Sander turns around to see why he has stopped.

"Wait. Do you hear it?" Robbe says as he tiltes his neck back and moans as he starts moving his fingers to the beat of the song.

When he opens his eyes he sees sander has a mixed of surprised and amused expression on his face.

"Oh you like Bowie then?" Sander asks.

"I fucking love him. Though I used to have a shity taste in music but Elliott made me listen to some awesome playlist that he had made for me after we got together and I just fell a little more in love with him after that if that was possible."

He starts talking about music and Bowie and all those legends as sander stare at him smiling and listening so carefully like nothing else matters.

They keep talking and joking and singing along with the song as sander jumps on the shopping cart and Robbe runs them around carelessly .

He remembers doing it many times with Elliott they even got kicked out once for it.

He gets back out of his thoughts as they crash to the bunch of boxes , fortunately empty.

Sander falls on the ground as he is still laughing.

Robbe's face goes serious for a moment as he goes to check if he is ok and then he looks around to see if anyone has decided to kick them out. 

They put the boxes in their initial place and head back to the car.

When they get back everyone is still sleep. Even there is no sign of Britt.  
It makes sense since it's still 9 am and they were up last night drinking.

"I'm hungry. Let's go to the kitchen . I'll make us something." Robbe says as they take the bags of food in the kitchen.

"So... what do you want to make?"

"Umm..."Robbe thinks for a minute and checks the bags. " I'm gonna make croques"  
He put bread and butter and all the stuff he needs on the counter. He is a little nervous because he has never been a good cook but says fuck it , he can't go back now .

"Would you grab a pan ?"

Sander searches around as he kneels down to grab it from the kitchen cupboard.

Robbe looks down at him as sander lifts his head up at the same time. 

'fuck his eyes are so beautiful.' Robbe wonders as he tries to busy himself by rubbing some butter on the bread with a knife.

He then tries to turn on the oven but he failes miserably and sander comes to the rescue with a smirk on his lips.

They start unpacking the foods till the food gets ready. 

Robbe put the croqe in a plate and cut it in half then he brings one of them up to Sander's lips and waits for him to take a bite . 

They lock eyes as sander takes a bite and start chewing it. 

" Best croqe ever?" Robbe says in a soft voice.

"Hmm... Best croqe ever." Says sander in no more than a whisper. Never breaking eye contact.

They both turn their heads around as they hear someone entering the kitchen.

"Oh there you are. I looked for you every where." Britt says as she put her arms around Sander's neck to kiss him.

Sander only fakes an smile and gives her no more than a peck. 

" I hope he didn't annoye you with his silly jokes." She says with a smile toward Robbe.

Wtf does that even mean. Annoying ? Sander? Is that even possible?! Robbe really wants to punch her in the face.

"Eh...No I actually enjoyed his company very much." He says with a soft smile as he looks back at sander to find his eyes already on himself.

"Ok . But we need to go sander. I want to show you something. See you later Robbe."  
She says as she drags sander out of the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If things go right I'll be updating this fiction weekly (not in an exact day though)
> 
> Comments are so appreciated 🙂♥️ let me know what you think about it.


	3. Chapter 3

They spend the rest of the day hanging around the beach , eating in a beautiful local restaurant that had heard had the best sea food which was true. The food was amazing and the view of the restaurant was even better.

And by night after all the exploring and eating and drinking they end up around the fire in front of the beach house.

It's relaxing just sitting in the dark of the night the only source of light is the fire , feeling the contrast of the cold wind hitting their faces and the hit of the fire burning it at the same time. 

Beers in hands and carefree, making little conversations in small groups and simply just enjoying each other's presence. 

Robbe is staring at the flames. Watching the woods burning bright turning into ashes. He can hear the faint roars of the ocean waves hitting the sands in the distant darkness combined with the low murmuring of his friends around him. Some talking excitedly about their plans for the future some talking pessimisticly about climate change. Some of them only listening while sipping their beers, on the verge of sleep and drunkenness , some interrupting the conversations to share different opinions.

Robbe really likes the circle of his friends. Jens is his childhood best friend and the rest almost all of them have been with him since highschool. They have been kind to him, accepting his sexuality and supporting him through out his life, in ups and downs.  
Of course there have been mutual mistakes and misunderstandings but their friendship was strong and honest enough to survive.

Lucas joined them later. He was one of Elliott's friends and after Robbe left the flat to move in with Eliott Lucas rented the flat to live with Milan and Zoë . Jens and him fall for each other rather quickly and after a couple of months of mutual pinnings they finally became boyfriends but since Jens's mom is a single mother and very busy Jens decided to stay home to take care of his little sister so Lucas and him will move in together after Lucas's graduation. By then Lola , Jens's sister , would be old enough to take care of herself.

But something that Robbe craves the most right now is those intimate conversations that he used to have with Eliott. On a little table in the corner of a crowded bar or in their bed , curled up in the warm sheets legs tangled and bodies radiating warmth. Whispering sweet things to each other and caressing each other's arms and shoulders soothingly whenever a bad memory or the fear of a future happening would come up .

While he is floating in his thoughts a warm and big hand pats his back and he zone in again. He turns his head and finds jens smiling at him. A comforting and warm smile.

Robbe smiles back and leans against the back of his chair getting closer to him.

" You have been quite. Everything alright?"

"Yeah. Just got distracted. Might be the beer." Robbe gives him a smile and sips on his beer eyes roaming around the fire watching everyone and then his eyes land on a bleach blond that has been equipping his thought for the past couple of days.

He is sitting on a chair , wearing his black leather jacket and black jeans. Hair disheveled in every direction after a long day of running his hand through it severally. 

Britt is comfortably sitting on his lap, arms placed around Sander's neck. She would kiss Sander's face or neck every now and then and feed him the marshmallows that has slightly burned up on fire.

They seem sweet together. A kind of couple that every body tries to be like. Both beautiful and confidant, matching perfectly. One of those couples that amber would praise and dream of in highschool and maybe still does!

Robbe is starting to think that maybe it's not just the outside aspect of their relationship that is good. Maybe Britt is just bad with words but they know each other so maybe that's just the dynamic between them.

But if sander feels unloveable , based on what he himself said , then something is wrong . 

Robbe shifts his gaze from Britt to sander and is immediately met by a pair of green eyes staring at him. There is something about Sander's gaze that makes Robbe hot all over. It's not the only thing about sander that makes him confused or flushed but It makes Robbe feel things that send a shiver down his spine.

'Is he really developing feeling for sander?' Robbe wonders. 

He immediately shakes the thought away. 'He just feels lonely. That's all. '  
He tells himself though he is not that confidant about it , knowing there is something there that he is avoiding digging into it more.

Robbe shifts his gaze away from sander and where sander is sat and tries to listen to Lucas who is telling something funny that happened in an art gallery . He smiles and tries to focus on Lucas's voice and making sure not to make anymore eye contact with a particular person for the rest of the night.

After hours of Noor and Sander's effort to put makeup on everyone's faces and making them as scary as possible they are finally ready to leave for the Halloween party.

Lucas was quit excited about this particular party and so he made everyone wear ripped cloth and leave themselves to the hands of the artists. 

The boys are currently sitting on the chairs outside of the house while girls are doing their makeup.

Well the idea of making boys ready before girls was a bad one, Robbe thinks.  
Since they got prepared they are nagging about Waiting for the Girls and they are going to be late!  
The art boys and Jens are less annoying but as usual Aron and mojo are disaster. Though after getting into long relationships with their girlfriends they have really gotten better but they still have got a long way to go to not be sexist. 

sander has volunteered to help Noor with the makeup and cloth since Lucas was so busy preparing his boy and himself , with a lot of make out sessions in between, and the other artists were musician and dancer so not good in drawing like sander is. 

They finally got there around eight. And it's been an hour that they are dancing and drinking , getting to know other people and getting used to the loud music and sharp neon lights in blue and red.

The club is slightly dark and the air is damp and hot because of their panting and sweat that is on their skin for dancing non stop.

Though Robbe didn't really get to dance . He is sat beside the bar table and is drinking his drink...well he doesn't really know what it is . It's cheap and alcohol , a lot of alcohol since with every sip it burns a path from his tongue down to his throat. And it tastes like shit. 

He finishes the drink and opens a beer to wash off his mouth of the terrible taste.   
He doesn't want to get drunk either. He doesn't want to look like a mess , doesn't want his friends pity. To make them see him as a miserable guy who has lost a lover and is sinking his sorrows into oblivion by alcohol.  
Maybe it's just the way he sees himself.  
Maybe it's just the the voice of the shame in his head that tells him everybody sees him like that.

Whatever that is he can't just sit and listen to it. He can't stand it. 

He turns his head from his beer and sees Jens waving his hand for him . He is standing on the other side of the dance floor smoking with mojo and some other people while holding Lucas's waist with one arm .

Robbe gives him a tight smile as he gets up to make his way to the other side to Jens but he is just so distracted and maybe a little drunk, more than he thought he would be, that he bumps into a guy making his beer that he is holding spill all over his own shirt.

"Hey you ok?" The guy chuckles as he helps Robbe to put the beer down on a nearby table.

"Yeah sorry didn't see you." Robbe mutteres as he watch the liquid soak his ripped white t-shirt and stick to his chest and upper part of his stomach.

"Why are you apologizing?! You spilled it all over yourself and it happens in clubs all the time." He smiles amused and brings his lips closer to Robbe's ear so he can be heard through the loud music. "Bumping into eachother."

Robbe shivers suddenly aware of how close they are. The guy is tall so he lifts up his head to be able to see the guy. 

He is blonde with white pale skin and a makeup that Robbe assumes as vampire but still beautiful. They stare at each other for a moment but soon Robbe is yanked out of his thoughts as the blonde guy drags him to a corner.

"Come. Let's find something to clean your shirt." 

Robbe let's himself be dragged out of the crowd and into the toilet.  
When the guy opens the bathroom door Robbe narrows his eyes. Too bright for them that where spending hours on the dark dance floor.   
The guy closes the door so only muffled sounds of music and people can be heard.

He goes to the faucet and takes some tissues and wet them and then comes back to Robbe's shirt helping him to clean himself up.

"ah thanks" Robbe smiles and tries to help with some dry tissue rubbing it to his shirt but there is not much they can do ,only make it slightly less sticky.

"You are here alone?" The guy asks.

"No, with my friends." Robbe says stuttering at the end of the sentence with half lidded eyes as the guy's hand now is so close to Robbe's half hard dick in his pants.

The guy has probably seen the tent in front of his pants since there is a smirk on his lips when he lifts his head up and looks at Robbe amused.

He gets up and throws the tissues in the trashcan and brings his head closer to Robbe's and whisperes in a flirtatious voice.

"Do they mind I keep you here a little longer?" And bites Robbe's earlobe making robbe moan a little. 

"Don't think so." Robbe says breathless as they finally crash their lips together. 

The guy grips Robbe's waist. They keep making out as the guy's hands roam all over his back going down squeezing his ass and finally griping the back of his thighs and lift Robbe up.

Robbe wraps his legs around his waist and tightens his arms around his neck. 

The guy guide them into one of the stalls closes the door as he puts Robbe down and pins him to the wall. Never breaking the kiss.

He unbuttones both of their pants and brings their hard cocks close and starts jerking them off.robbe leans against the wall behind and moans with his eyes closed and his mouth slack.

He grips the guy's shoulders and opens his eyes. The guy is panting ,staring at him with his blue eyes and blond hair that is slightly sweaty and sticked to his forehead showing his orgasm is approaching.

Robbe feels his own coming orgasm and he closes his eyes and kisses the guy hard.

When he pulls back from the kiss and looks at the guy suddenly he is faced with sander. His green eyes and his bleached hair. His tanned skin and his beautiful red lips. His eyes are lustful and his staring is like when they were around the fire last night. mysterious yet awfully familiar.

He is sure that it's the affect of the alcohol in his system but it feels so real. He vaguely thinks maybe he should stop till the vision of sander fades away but he is so close and also deep down he really wants it, he wants to come thinking about him and now that he is drunk he feels less guilty to think about a guy who is in a relationship hence taken.

He buries his face in the guy's neck and moans and blurts out without thinking "sander" as he comes all over the guy's hand feeling the other's orgasm at the same time.

The guy laughs out of breath duo to his orgasm.  
"Who is sander?"

Robbe keeps his face buried into the other's neck, ashamed.  
He just mumbles a little "sorry"

"Is it your thing? To apologize all the time?" The guy laughs again and pulls Robbe back to be able to see his face.

Robbe lifts his head but does not make eye contact.

"Look at me" he puts a finger under Robbe's chin to lift his face up. " I'm not mad. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't even know my name."

Robbe just nods a little smile appears on his lips, feeling less guilty.

They stay in that position for a couple of seconds but things starts to get akward when non of them talks. Though the guy decides to save Robbe and asks 

" can we go dance and stuff?"

Robbe hesitates. He has a bad headache already and also if he goes out on the dance floor with the guy his friends would never shut up about him getting laid tonight and the most important thing that he is trying not to think about but is actually taking up so much of space in his head is the thought of watching sander making out with Britt all night while he just came thinking about the guy. It just feels wired. Or something more.

"I probably just get back home . I don't feel like being in a crowded place."

The guy nods , slightly disappointed "ok. Can I at least know your name?" He smiles sweetly.

"Sure. I'm Robbe." Robbe smiles."and your name?"

"Unfortunately not sander." He teases Robbe. And they both start laughing.  
"I'm Liam."

"Beautiful name." Robbe says sweet and honest.

"Ok stop being sweet or I have to drag you to the dance floor and never letting you go " Liam says and jokingly pushes Robbe out of the stall. 

Robbe chuckles and says goodbye.  
"Have a good night Liam." 

"Good night Robbe." The guy's eyes lingers on Robbe as he disappeares in the crowd to go to the exit door.

Robbe goes to take his jacket near the exit door to go home while smiling to himself thinking how smooth a hook up turned out to be but as he is wearing it he mindlessly looks out of the window and sees a person near the beach, sitting on the sand the cigarette smoke coming out of his lips can be seen from far away. His bleached hair shining in the moonlight.

Robbe goes out of the club and walks towards the beach . The wind hits his skin and makes him shiver from the cold. He brings his jacket closer to his body . 

Getting closer to the beach the voices and the music fades into the sound of the waves gently hitting the sands.  
He is close enough to the guy to make sure that he definitely is sander , not just some illusion. With his vampire makeup and ripped black shirt and his leather jacket on top of it.

Sander might have felt his presence since he turns his head and watch Robbe getting close and sitting beside him. His expression unreadable.

"Can I sit?" Robbe asks softly.

Sander smiles and nods. when Robbe sits down he hands him the cigarette. 

"Why are you out?" Robbe asks after a long comfortable silence.

"Halloween is not really my type of party. At least not when my girlfriend is trying to put a costume on me that I absolutely hate." He chuckles bitterly.

Robbe nods in understanding, knowing how frustrating it can be sometimes.

"You also must be tired. Doing the makeup for all of us was not that easy." 

Sander smiles "that too."

"You know , I never liked Halloween parties either but after I met Elliott it just became a memorable thing." Robbe says smiling to himself remembering all the eye fucking him and Eliott did that night those years ago.

"How so?" Sander asks curious and already a little less annoyed with the events of the night.

Robbe looks into the ocean as he tell sander the story "Well I was sixteen back then and still in the closet. I had a girlfriend even. Her name was Emma and she was sweet but female."

Robbe looks back at sander and they both laugh.

" Anyway back then I really thought that I could change my feelings that I was too scared to even think about. I decided to stay with her thinking I would feel normal again. "

Emphasizing on the normal Robbe smiles to himself again and goes on.

" I had met Eliott before Emma and I knew I had feelings for him but I was fighting it. And it all became more clear to me when we all went to the Halloween party together that year. I was kissing my girlfriend while staring right at him on the middle of the dance floor watching him making out with his own girlfriend. And he stared right back. And at that moment I thought 'fuckkk there is no return from this right now'." 

They both laugh at thinking about how ruined Robbe was for Eliott.

"He was with Lucile back then?" Sander asks.

" Yeah he was. Did you know her?" 

"Well as much as I can remember they used to date for a long time. But they were not on good terms in the last years. constantly breaking up and getting back together. And then Elliott moved to Antwerp and I didn't hear about him till you came into his life and I knew love had descended on him." Sander gives Robbe a warm smile and it melts Robbe's heart every time being reminded of good things by sander.

"Thank you." Robbe says softly . eyes glued to the sands beneath his legs.

"For what?" 

"For reminding me of the good things. No one has done like you have. Just thank you."

Sander smiles "what eventually happened at the party that night?"

"Well we eye fucked all night and then three days later Eliott asked me if he could take me on a date though I'm sure if my roommate Milan hadn't knocked some sense to my head making me feel normal about being gay I would never conquer my fears and confessing my feelings towards Eliott."

Sander nods in understanding.

A comfortable silence falls after the conversation is finished. Robbe is really trying but he can't stop himself from asking the question. At least not right now that he is tipsy and they are alone here with no one around. "How are things with Britt?" Silence falls and he quickly adds "apart from not agreeing on the costume." 

They both chuckle a little at that. it seems that his little joke has made the question less like an investigation in Sander's love life.

"Ups and downs. Recently mostly downs." Sander looks down silently playing with the sands.

After a while he adds "I'm thinking about breaking up with her."

"And something is stopping you." Robbe says not as a question but to complete Sander's sentence.

"It's stupid." Sander closes his eyes and groans.

Robbe giggles "come on if it's hurting you or taking your time it's not stupid."

Sander falls silent clenching his jaw.

For a moment Robbe thinks maybe he doesn't want to say it to Robbe maybe he is putting pressure on sander.

"You don't have to tell me though..."

Sander cuts his sentence. "No I'm just..." A loaded exhale and " I'm just afraid that I don't find anyone...at least someone who would love me." He finishes avoiding Robbe's eyes.

"Sander" Robbe whispers but sander doesn't lift his head up.

"Sander look at me." Robbe insists.

He finally lifts his head up.

" You'll find someone who would love you."

Sander smiles bitterly. "Where?" 

"I don't know. Just..." He looks at sander and fuck he can't not tell him how good and beautiful and kind he is.

"Maybe you should meet new people?"

Sander chuckles " like going on a trip with strangers!"

Robbe can't take his eyes off Sander's as he whisperes softly " for example yeah."   
And he thinks maybe it's for the alcohol , maybe he is imagining things but sander is looking at his lips and leaning into him and Robbe is leaning too without even realising it.   
And they are so close that he can feel Sander's hot breath on his own skin. Robbe closes his eyes and just wants to feel those sweet lips on his own but he feels his phone buzzing in his pocket and he suddenly is yanked out of the bubble he was in. 

They both stop leaning into each other and Robbe exhale frustratedly and opens his eyes and finds his phone in his pocket. It's his mom.

"Sorry I have to answer this." And gets up to go a little further to answer it. 

"Hi mom?"

"Hey it's me Robbe Dr Morgan your mom's psychiatrist .

"What happened? Is she ok?" 

"Yes she is. Don't worry but she was admitted a couple of hours ago and she doesn't stop calling your name. She really wants to see you. Are you in town?"

"No but I can be there in a couple of hours."

"Don't rush it Robbe. She has been given some medicine and is sleep right now but it would be good if you be here in the morning so she can see you."

"Yeah yeah I'll be there . Thanks for calling doctor."

Robbe turns back to sander and sees him standing up behind him a couple of feets away. a worried expression on his face.

"Everything alright?" 

"It's my mom. She is in the hospital. She is admitted. "

Sander walks closer and puts his hand on Robbe's shoulder "What are you going to do? Can I do anything?"

"No I think I need to go there. If I go now I'll be there in the morning. She wants to see me."

"Ok let's go."

They walk briskly back to the beach house. Robbe packs his bag and sander goes to call the train station to see if there is any train going to Antwerp tonight.

As Robbe is frantically packs his stuff Jens comes into the room.

"Hey. Where were you? I Searched everywhere." He then stops talking realising Robbe is packing. "What are you doing?"

"Mom is admitted. Need to be there in the morning."

"What! Why didn't you tell me? I'll come with you." He then goes to pack his own stuff.

"They just called me and beside that you don't need to come. I can manage."

"Shut up Robbe you know I won't let you go alone."

"Jens..." Robbe turns to him frustrated. "You are here for Lucas please stay and don't ruin his vacation. I'm not a child I'm going by train. Sander is checking and..."

He gets interrupted by Sander coming to the room. "I called but they said no train is available for Antwerp." 

"Uh shit."Robbe closes his eyes exasperated. 

"We are going with my car." Jens says and before Robbe can protest he adds "that's it no argument ijzermans." 

And with that he goes out to take the rest of his stuff leaving Robbe and sander alone in the room.

"I'm coming with you." Sander says and goes to pack but before he can get out Robbe stops him by pulling his arm.

"No sander. You better stay here. Everything is fine I promise. It's not the first time it's happening."

"But..."

Robbe brings his hand up to caress his face and sander seems to calm down at the gesture. He closes his eyes nods and kisses Robbe's palm.

"Text me when you get there?"

"Yeah." Robbe whispers softly. 

They part quickly when they hear footsteps from the outside. Jens then comes in and takes their stuff and Robbe and sander go after him. 

When they get to the car Jens turns to sander. "I'll leave a voice message for Lucas but please tell him that everything is fine and I'll call them when I get there ok?"

"Yeah yeah sure I'll do." Sander reassures them.

Jens nods and gets in the car. Robbe looks at sander for the last time thinking how much he wants to bury himself in his arms and never let go .

"Goodbye. Stay safe." Sander says soft and sweet.

Robbe nods and gets in the car. The car starts moving and Robbe looks into the side mirror and sees sander turning into a little dot as they drive away. He closes his eyes and before he knows he falls sleep and only wakes up when they are in front of the hospital. The familiar hospital he has been visiting for years. Sometimes for his mom's episodes and then s couple of times for Eliott. 

He has this love hate feeling towards this place. He hates this place because he knows whenever he is here it means his loved ones are going through too much and can't take it on their own anymore.

He loves it since people here were the ones Robbe could call and ask for help whenever things were too much at home , when he was only twelve and his mom wouldn't eat for days or when Eliott wouldn't stop crying . Robbe would always knew where to call and seek help and honestly the doctors and nurses were patient and kind and would help him and explain to him what he should do in hard times.

He remembers when he was fourteen and his mom was not able to eat and even get out of the bed he took a cab and took his mom to the hospital.   
It was embarrassing for little Robbe to be observed by the taxi driver as he was carrying his mom to the car like she was dead not able to carry herself on her own feet. it was frustrating to receive pityful glances from everyone around .  
And that night when he finally put her to the hospital bed he went to the yard and cried. He just couldn't stop the tears that were falling, he didn't want to either. He was pretending to be strong for so long that if he didn't face the pain and cried it away he would have exploded.

As he was sobbing silently on a bench a nurse, a young woman came closer and asked if he was ok . Robbe resisted to open up at first but then when she sat beside him and carefully took his cold hands in her own warm hands Robbe felt relaxed and safe to talk and to get help. 

Years passed and now Robbe knows most of the staff in the hospital. His favourite nurse, Anne , is still working here and Robbe is so greatful for these people who were kinda his parents , his family. They thought him that he should not be embarrassed for the things that happened to him or his mother, that people are loveable no matter how broken they are.   
He learnt that he should take it minute by minute with his loved ones if they were going through too much.

He takes a deep breath and opens the car door and goes out of the car. It's almost morning, the birds are chirping on the trees in the hospital garden. 

He goes to the second floor where his mom's room is. Jens following him behind.

When Robbe finds her room and goes inside he finds her peacefully sleeping on the bed. He gets closer. The room is dark but he can see her pale skin and dark bags under her eyes. He kisses her forehead and caresses her beautiful brown hair and then leaves the room to find Jens.

Jens is sitting in the waiting room with two coffee cups in his hands. When he sees Robbe approaching he gets up and hands Robbe a cup of coffee.

"Thanks" Robbe says and takes a sip.

"How is she?"

"She is sleeping. She is fine just seems a little pale and tired."

Jens nods.

"You go home and get some rest. You must be tired driving all these hours."

"I'll wait for you so we can leave together."

Robbe shakes his head. "No you go. I should stay till she wakes up. I don't know when she will though so you go. Thank you."

"I'll go to Lucas's. Texted Milan he said he is home. Please don't go to your place come there I don't want you to be alone."

Robbe nods and hugs Jens before saying goodbye and getting back to his mom's room. He sits on a chair beside the bed. The room is slightly less dark. He chekes his phone it's 6:30 . He opens the group chat and finds Sander's account . His fingers roams above the keyboard for a while till he writes

' I'm at the hospital. She is fine. Thanks for the help last night'.

And sends it. Sander reads the massage immediately and answers

' I'm glad she is ok. Tell me if you need anything I'll be there in a second ❤️'

Robbe smiles and sends a ❤️.

He then puts his phone back into his pocket and rests his head on the bed and falls sleep immediately.

His mom wakes up sometime around 11 and she is already better by seeing Robbe in the room. Robbe spends a couple of hours in there talking to her and then with her doctor.

He finally goes to Milan's after his mom telling him that she is fine and he should get some rest.

He arrives at Milan's around evening. He enters the house and tosses his jacket on the couch and sits down resting his head in his hands.

"Hi. Finally you came. I was about to call you." Milan says as he puts a plate full of pasta on the table in front of Robbe and also a soda.

"Eat baby gay. You must be Hungry."

"Oh thanks I actually am starving." Robbe says as he devours the pasta.

Milan smiles satisfied and sits beside him. "Everything ok with your mom?"

"Yeah she is better. She had these nightmares in which I was apparently dead and it made her stressed and at some point it got too much." he chews his food and swallows it before saying "and you know how she is, not calling me to avoid making me worried so ..."

"Yeah " Milan nods in understanding.

Jens comes out of Lucas's room and joins them. His hair disheveled showing he just woke up.

"Hi. Is she better?" He asks with hoarse voice.

"Yes she is." Robbe says as he continues eating. "Did you eat anything?" 

"No actually I just passed out when I arrived."

"Come." Robbe says and Jens goes to sit beside him. Robbe feeds him some pasta and Jens opens his mouth like a little baby to be fed.

Milan watches them and smiles not seeing them like this for a long time and it just melts his heart to see them close like the good old days.

"Enjoyed the vacation?how was it?"

They both look at his way and Jens explains " it was good , days were sunny and party almost every night. You should come next time Milan also bring this boyfriend of yours I really want to meet him again. He is sweet." 

"Aww sure I'll join you next time." Milan says with a wide grin.

"Beside Robbe was there after a long time I finally felt like getting my best friend back. I really missed you." Jens says softly giving Robbe puppy eyes.

"Oh shut up Jens don't get all cheesy.beside I just ruined your vacation by taking you away from Lucas." Robbe says pushing Jens away jokingly.

"No you didn't. I really missed you I don't mind spending some time alone with my best friend and our gay guru right Milan?"

Milan nods excitedly and goes to kitchen to bring some wine and snack to eat and watch a movie together. After a long time things seem to be on good terms again.

Jens then puts his head in Robbe's shoulder and Robbe accepts the affection and they silently finish the pasta and drink and laugh at Milan's gossip stories for the rest of the night.

Days seem to pass one by one quickly. Robbe stays in Milan's in the next couple of remaining days of the holidays. He goes to hospital every morning and comes back around evening. He really missed spending time with Jens. Talking about everything and nothing. Smoking together just doing anything feels better with his best friend by his side.

Finally after three days they come back from the vacation and Zoë and Lucas come back to the flat. 

Robbe decides to get back home to do some studying in weekend but Lucas and Zoë complain that they didn't see him enough so he stays for the last night to have dinner with them.

They cook together in the kitchen to Zoe's pleasure calling them "men in the kitchen" and bring everything they have made to the table sitting on the couch and eating and talking.

"So what did you do the three last days? Did you guys party?" Jens asks.

"Yeah apart from the last day that was all cleaning and packing with amber as the boss we went to another club." Lucas explains "not only didn't you miss anything but also were so lucky to not clean the place based on amber's order."

They all burst out laughing as Zoë cuts off his gossips "shut up Lucas you are just lazy."

"Whattt! Come on Zoë she is so intense about cleaning and organising ." Lucas says in an exaggerated frustrated tone and it makes them laugh even more.

As they continue their banter Robbe feels his phone buzzing in his pocket. He picks it up and sees it's sander sending him a Bowie playlist. With a message below it.

'best Bowie playlist for the best fan❤️.'

Robbe smiles and send a 'thanks I'll definitely listen to it❤️'

Not realising how hard he is smiling and how awfully quiet everybody is.

He lifts his head up and is faced with his friends smirks and wired glances.

"What!?" He asks and goes back to his dinner avoiding their suggestive looks.

"Who was it that made you smile like that?" Milan asks with a teasing voice.

"Nobody" he says clearing his throat to swallow the nervousness in his voice.

"Was it sander?" Jens asks narrowing his eyes.

"What ! No ..." He stutters on his words and based on how they look he thinks it's just useless to lie so "well yeah but he just sent a playlist that's all." Then he buries his face in his food avoiding everyone's eyes.

"Bold of you to think that after all these years we can't tell if you have a crush on somebody." Milan says with an smirk. 

Robbe sighs and buries his face in his hands. "I don't know guys. He is just constantly on my mind and then that night before I get the call I ... anyway he has a girlfriend it's not right to say something like that when he's not even single."

"Oh count him as single dude. Believe me there is no strings attached with Britt she is a bitch." Lucas says frustrated .

"Lucas watch you mouth! Why would you call her a bitch?"  
Zoë says in a warning ton.

"Sorry Zoë. didn't mean it in that way. I'm just saying the girl is a pain in the ass. Can't tell more but just know I'm a trustable source of information." He grins with a wink 

Knowing how uncomfortable the conversation is for Robbe Jens tries to change the subject talking about something else and Robbe is so thankful for that. He is not ready to talk about sander when he hasn't even had a proper conversation with sander himself.

Tomorrow morning Robbe wakes up and gather his stuff to go home. He goes to the kitchen. Everybody seems to be sleep but as he is making coffee Lucas come to the kitchen and sits on a chair with his bed hair and sleepy eyes.

"Why are you up so early it's eight." Robbe says.

"Have to go to academy. Should take my stuff out of Sander's studio. He is going to be there in an hour." Lucas says as he takes a cup from the cupboard. 

Robbe contemplates the situation and thinks that it's a good opportunity to meet sander. He misses him also wants to know what exactly sander thinks of them so he takes the cup from Lucas's hand and says " go get ready I'll make your coffee. We'll go there together. I have time I can help you with the stuff."

"Help with the stuff huh? More like meeting your sander while I carry my shit to my car." He says to tease Robbe with a huge grin on his face.

"Shut up luc go get ready before I change my mind." 

"Ok ok I'm going " Lucas runs to his room giggling marking Robbe laugh.

They arrive to the academy around nine. Lucas checks his phone "sander is here."  
And they get out of car and climb the stairs to the studio.

The feeling of familiarity of the place sends a shiver down Robbe's spine. The place hasn't changed much. The hallway is empty It's sunny outside and the sunlight is illuminating the walls and the floor through the large windows. It's beautiful. It's art. Reminding him of his dear lover that introduced Robbe to this place and culture and atmosphere. He'll be forever thankful for having Eliott in his life.

They arrive behind the studio door and Lucas knock 

"Come in." Sander's deep voice echoes in the empty building .

Lucas enters and Robbe follows behind. 

Sander is lifting some boxes to the other side of the studio. He is wearing black jeans and a black hoodie. His bleached hair messy and fluffy. His skin slightly pale and his eyes tired like he hasn't slept well. He puts the box down and finally looks in their direction. When he sees Robbe his face breaks into a beautiful smile.

"Hey. Thought you were going to come alone." 

"Well he is supposed to help don't know how much I can count on that." Lucas looks at them staring at each other knowing it's time to give them some privacy.  
"Anyway I'm going to sign some papers . I'll be back in a couple of minutes." And with that he goes out leaving them alone.

Robbe steps into the place and closes the door behind him .

"It hasn't changed much since the last time I saw it." Eyes roaming the walls finding Elliott's sketches of Robbe and all other stuff that Robbe could never come to take home.the pain was still too raw and Robbe was too fragile to face any memory, anything related to Eliott.

"Yeah. Didn't want to change things. Wanted to feel his art and his presence around here."

Robbe takes his eyes off the walls and looks at sander who is already looking at him. He steps closer.

"How is your mom?" 

"She is better."

"Good"

"Yeah " Robbe is so close now that if he wants he can close the gap between them with one step and kiss him till they run out of breath but he needs to make things clear first he needs to know what it is and if it's mutual in the same way.

Though before he can form any sentence sander blurts out " I broke up with Britt."

Robbe is shocked and happy and confused and too many emotions rushing in his head to let him think properly.

But he gets it under control and asks " how do you feel about it?" Because no matter how much he is overwhelmed right now , he first needs to know about how sander feels. It must be a lot for him.

Sander exhales "relieved actually. It was inevitable." He then looks Robbe in the eyes.

They stare into each other's eyes before sander breaks the silence.

"I missed you."

Robbe lets out his breath that he didn't even know he was keeping and puts his forehead on Sander's. "missed you too."

Then sander smiles. So sweet that makes Robbe smile too.

He brings his fingers up to Robbe's face and cradles his face. Robbe closes his eyes. Both still smiling and a little drunk on how they feel for each other.

"Can I kiss you?" Sander asks and Robbe waste no time to bring their lips together and finally tasting those lips that he was craving since forever.

They breath into the kiss. Robbe brings his arms around Sanders neck and sander keeps his around Robbe's waist. They keep kissing till they are out of breath and when they part Robbe buries his face in Sanders neck keeping him close. Sander reciprocates and hugs him back tightly like he will never let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They finally kissed 🥺
> 
> How do you feel about this chapter? Let me know in comments.♥️


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Many conversations to write but it's finally ready. Hope you like it ❤️

Robbe knokes on the door.

"Come in" the lady says.

Robbe pulls down the door knob and enters the room. 

The room is bright. white and forest green walls with large windows that show the garden that is located behind the building.  
The doctor's desk is made of wood , a beautiful brown and is in front of one of the two windows. She is sitting behind the desk looking up at Robbe with a wide smile on her face.

"Hi Robbe. I'm glad you are here. Come in."

She moves her hand in an 'come in' motion enthusiastically.  
Robbe smiles and goes inside to sit in front of her desk on a set of white furniture.

She gets up and comes closer to Robbe , sitting in front of him.

"So how has everything been? You look better."  
She smiles as she checks his file.

"Things are good." Robbe says 

"How is your mama?" 

"She is doing well. She has been taking her medication regularly and she might be able to get home in a couple of weeks."

"Oh that's very good. How are you doing yourself?" 

"I've been doing fine. Things seems to be better. I don't get those horrible nightmares as much as I used to and also I'm drinking less, trying to stay awake and aware." 

"It's awesome Robbe. Any particular reason for your progress? Though I know you would get better, you are so strong."

Robbe smiles feeling shy about talking with his therapist about sander and how he has made everything better ten times even hundreds of times. He looks down feeling his cheeks going red at the thought.

"Well...there have been some changes and a particular person who has made it easier to deal with things."

"Oh good really good. Do you want to talk about them ?" She gives him a knowing smile but also not too teasing , comforting enough to let him open up. She knows how hard it was for Robbe to start trusting people again , to call them lover , expressing profound emotions.

"Well things elevated so quickly . I...he is one of Elliott's friends and we met at a party a couple of weeks ago. He helped me a lot to face the past and what I've been through...emmm well we then started to feel something more than just friendship and we kissed a couple of days ago... You know it may be too soon but it just feels right, something that I could not feel for a long time."

She smiles as Robbe lifts his head up to look at her again.

"I'm so happy for you Robbe. I'm really glad you are letting yourself trust and love others again."

"Yeah it's nice. Also things have been kinda good with my friends too. We went to that trip that I had told you about and also I talked to jens and we all hung out together the whole weekend."

"That is so nice...

They talked the whole session about everything Robbe did and felt. Honestly Robbe is so amazed himself that things have changed so quickly, have changed for the better and he knows most of it is because of sander. He has changed things enormously in a little amount of time and it's even more fascinating that feels like he belongs in here, in Robbe's life and in his arms like he has never been absent. 

Robb is saying goodbye to the secretary that his phone buzzes in his pocket.

He takes his phone out already guessing who it might be. He reads the massages as he is descending the stairs. A big smile on his lips.

Massage from sander :

"I'm here. "

"Just wanted you to know. Don't rush it. I can wait .I have all the time in the world to wait for you❤️"

Robbe reads the massages one more time feeling giddy and wired but in a good way while running down the stairs. He can't really stop himself from walking quickly almost running to the exit door when it's finally in his sight. 

He opens the door and takes a step out feeling the contrast of the warmth inside the building and the cold wind hitting his face and blowing into his brown curls.

He looks around to find sander and then goes to the brim of the sidewalk to take a look at the end of the street but he is nowhere to be found.

Robbe takes his phone out of his pocket and reads the massages again and types a quick 

' I'm out, where are you? '

Sander sees his massage but he goes offline without answering.

Robbe waits for another minute but nothing happens.  
He goes to sit down on the bench near the sidewalk suddenly feeling like his knees are about to give out and realising his smile has vanished from his face and a confused frown has taken it's place. 

He stares at the ground under his worn out sneakers. He is too scared to check his phone again, what if he hasn't answered, what if he never does, what if it has all been in Robbe's head , honestly why would the universe wants to give him this beautiful thing while all it has ever brought to Robbe has been pain and lost.

His head is full of rushed and dark thoughts making his body paralyzed. He can't stand up and walk away, walk home to hide, to sleep this nightmare away.

Suddenly he is being taken out of his thoughts as someone whispers "Hi baby" so close into his ear and sits beside him, straddling the bench and facing Robbe.

Robbe turns his head to the left facing sander with his bleached hair disheveled , probably because of the strong wind blowing into it, and his cute nose that is slightly red , his pink lips that are smiling, a beautiful smile that Robbe never wantes to take his eyes away from it.

Robbe only gets back to hearing sander and everything else around him when sander brings his left hand up to cup the side of his face caressing his face.

"You ok baby?" Sander asks, still smiling but a little worried.

Robbe closes his eyes and buries his face in Sanders neck breathing in his scent , immediately feeling relieved that it's true that sander is actually here.

"Where were you?" Robbe mumbles into Sander's neck.

"I was told that you like chocolate croissant so when I was waiting and saw a good bakery on the other side of the street I couldn't not buy some." He smiles and kisses Robbe's forehead and brings his hand up, a paper bag in his hand.

Robbe smiles and brings his arms around Sander's waist, hugging him tightly , leaving small innocent kisses on his neck.

"I thought you had left me." He mumbles between kisses.

Sander lets out a surprised little "what" with a little fond smile on his lips and sits Robbe straight so he can see his beautiful brown eyes.

Robbe sits up but avoids Sander's eyes, looking down at his own hands in his lap, feeling stupid for thinking something like that.

"Hey, look at me." Sanders whispers and lifts Robbe's head up by putting a finger under his chin, trying to make eye contact.

Robbe's eyes finally meet his and Sander gets close to peck Robbe's lips then whispering "I'm holding you" another peck "and I'm never letting you go" and then he deepens the kiss, kissing Robbe thoroughly.

They keep kissing, maybe a little too much and too deep for a make out session out of their bedroom but they don't care. They are in their own little bubble. and finally when they are in need of some air, when they are grinning too hard that makes their teeth clash they part their lips.

"And now" sander takes a croissant out of bag "let's see if they taste as good as they smell." 

He feeds Robbe the chocolate croissant while Robbe moanes saying how good it is and They walk back to Robbe's and decide to go to a supermarket on their way to buy some stuff for the weekend that they have planned to spend together.

They spend sometime choosing chocolate and noodles also buying tones of vegetables and pasta since Robbe is insisting that they should also eat something healthy.

When they are about to finish shopping Robbe sends sander to get some milk and he goes to pick a good bottle of wine himself.

He is searching among different types of bottles in different sizes and shapes. 

"Robbe?"

Robbe immediately turns around to the familiar voice and sees someone that he never thought would bump into , at least not this soon or in Antwerp or in the middle of a supermarket.

"Hi." Robbe says smiling, nervous and surprised as he leaves the bottles and turns around completely , facing Liam that is holding a bottle of wine in his hands.

"Hi." Liam gives him a warm smile and comes closer. " How are you?" 

"I'm good." Robbe answers with a sincere smile. " A little surprised though."

"Yeah I didn't expect to meet you again either but I'm kinda relieved to see you , I was worried about you." He then gets a little serious, still a beautiful smile on his lips. " You seemed tired that night, maybe a little sad, I don't know but I absolutely regret letting you go."

Robbe looks at the ground smiling, remembering how the night was and how the happenings of the night has now changed everything almost upside down. He also remembers how he embarrassed himself in the toilet while being with Liam, moaning Sander's name. He mentally face palms himself and gets himself together.

Robbe lifts his head up "Yeah I was bothered by some things that night but I promise you didn't do anything that you would even think about regretting. All you did was being understanding. I actually should thank you."

Liam nods and gives him a sincere smile. He then adds " well it's weird . It's the first time someone is thanking me for their orgasm." with a teasing voice.

Robbe looks at him surprised by his forwardness. And then they both burst out laughing.

"Did you get your wine baby?" 

Robbe turns around finding sander getting closer , pushing the shopping cart in front of himself.

"Yeah I was about to ."

Sander leaves the cart and comes closer , throwing a questioning look towards Liam.

"This is my friend Liam ." Robbe says 

Sander hooks one arm around Robbe's waist and extends the other one to shake hand with Liam .

"Hi . I'm sander , Robbe's boyfriend." And gives Liam a smile which is sweet also proud like sander is so happy to go around calling himself Robbe's boyfriend, to let everyone know.

"You have a boyfriend?." Liam says with raised eyebrows making Robbe realize that he has some explaining to do.

"We just got together like a couple of days ago." 

"Oh." Liam seems to relax at that knowing things don't have to get complicated.

"Did you say sander? Your name is so familiar I think I've heard it somewhere." Liam says, getting back to that teasing voice that only Robbe can guess why and he immediately goes all red and shy.

" anyway I'm so happy for you Robbe. It was nice to meet you. both of you."

Robbe and sander both nods with smile.

"Yeah it was nice to meet you too." Robbe says with a genuine smile.

And then Liam leaves. Sander turns to robbe.

"Was he the guy that you bumped into at the party?"

Robbe turns to sander shocked "How do you know that?"

"You say it like you don't know that I couldn't take my eyes off you for a second. Of course I saw you." 

Robbe smiles because of course he is happy to know how smitten sander was for him since the initial days but also feeling nervous not knowing how to explain that he hooked up with a guy the same night that they kinda confessed how they feel about each other.

Robbe sighs "he was."

"How did you two turn out to be friends? He seemed a complete stranger to you that night."

"Well we ...we hooked up." Robbe mumbles looking around, anywhere but Sander's eyes.

"Hmm ...then I was not imagining things when I saw him giving heart eyes to you just now." 

Robbe immediately looks into Sander's eyes, a little panicked but he tries not to show it but when he sees that amused smile on Sander's face he is relieved.

Smiling and Rolling his eyes Robbe adds "It was nothing and if it makes you feel better I should say I was thinking about you the whole night." He then gets closer bumping his nose to sander whispering "and said your name in his ear while being with him."

Sander swallows with his mouth slack, waiting to be kissed but Robbe detach himself from him with a hint of a pleased smile on his face and takes Sander's hand tilting his head saying "come" making sander pout but following him anyway.

When they finally get out of the supermarket sander following Robbe behind with the bags in their hands.

"So you practically moaned my name while cumming huh?" 

"Sanderrrr" Robbe hushes him laughing, looking around to see if anyone hear them.

But before he looks back at sander he smashes his lips with Robbe kissing him deep making Robbe weak on his knees then pulling back whispering against his lips "can't wait to spend the weekend with you." making Robbe blush. He pulls Robbe's shoulder into one arm and they walk back to Robbe's flat feeling happy and safe with eachother.

They spend most of the day kissing and talking, singing Bowie and cooking , though sander did most of the cooking since Robbe turned out to be a disaster in the kitchen that it made sander wonder how Robbe saved his face that time he made croque for them at the beach House because honestly he had the potential to kill both of them with that oven.

after eating and watching some movie they get back into Robbe's room.

Robbe sits on the bed while sander goes around the room. The last time that he was here it was too dark and now that he can see the walls and the paintings on them he is amazed. He can practically say that Eliott has lived here without even knowing. His sketches, his cute messy handwriting , his photos are all over the place. Robbe has kept them all like the first day. Like it's not almost two years that he is gone and it all scares sander a bit knowing how deep and sincere Robbe loves making sander wonder if he deserves it and can be careful enough with this beautiful kind boy in front of him. It also makes him feel safe. He has never been loved like this, it makes it easier to trust Robbe to open up to him. He is an angle. Sander's angle.

"Are you mad at me sander?" Robbe blurts out , sitting on the edge of the bed looking down at his own hands that are placed on his lap. He seems so small and fragile sander wants to hug him and never have to detach himself from this beautiful creature.

"Why would I be mad?" He chuckles and comes close to sit beside him holding Robbe's small hands with his own.

"The thing with Liam...I can't...I don't want you to think that I ... listen that night , the most important thing was you and the best part was talking to you having you close to myself, I don't want you to think otherwise."

Robbe looks at sander worried , waiting to be sure that sander feels it too.

Sander smiles, stunned . He squeezes Robbe's hand sighing " Robbe there is literally no reason for me to be mad. It happened before anything gets serious between us, I mean I was sure that I wanted you obviously but we hadn't made it clear, we hadn't talked about it."

Then looks Robbe in the eye and smirks "beside I was there with my girlfriend making out in front of you for days, if someone should be worried is definitely me." 

He then suddenly goes dead serious "should I be worried?"

Robbe laughs and wrapps his arms around Sander's neck "of course not." And pecks his lips once "I'm just..."

He cuts Robbe off "You are just over thinking then." Sander kisses him and Robbe reciprocates. 

Robbe crawls into Sander's lap and kisses him hard. They get carried away and suddenly sander flips Robbe over. Robbe let's out a startled chuckle as his back hits the mattress and he finds sander between his thighs crawling on top of him. They kiss for another minute before sander puts his head on Robbe's chest making himself the little spoon getting comfortable in Robbe's arms. Robbe hugs him tightly keeping him close and sighs.

" Don't you want to tell me how you and Eliott became friends?" Robbe says

Sander moves a little making himself comfortable in bed sighing contentedly.

" We met at hospital. We were both sixteen. I had been hospitalised several times since I was fourteen but it was Eliott's first time. We grew closer during the time that we were there and after we got out we continued seeing each other. He wanted to change his school so I suggested that he could come to mine. His parents agreed and we studied together for almost two years." Sander smiles remembering memories " it was fun hanging around with him, going to parties and spray painting at midnight in abandoned buildings.  
After graduation Eliott's mom moved to Antwerp for a job and she told Eliott about academy and so Eliott came here to study and you know the rest."

Robbe nods "Hum. What did you do after school?" He asked softly, caressing Sander's hair.

" I decided to go get some experience, living my life the way I wanted . I worked in a tattoo shop for a while then doing wedding photography any kind honestly and I would do comissions if I had the time and energy.  
Then when I was twenty one I decided to go to college study art .  
Me and Eliott had remained in touch and we would talk about everything through email.  
I know he was with you. He was happy. When I told him about my decision he said I could come to Antwerp for that, to study with him in academy and I chose visual art to study. I came here two years ago in fall."

Robbe sighs deeply in thought, caressing Sander's hair and placing a kiss on his forehead. "I'm happy that you made that decision."

Sander lifts his head up looking him in the eye. 

Robbe looks back at him whispering " I'm happy you are here." 

Sander's lips turn into a beautiful smile and he kisses robbe. 

Robbe breaks the kiss after a while to climb on top of sander and into his lap.

"Wow what's the plan?" Sander chuckles a little nervous.

Robbe pecks his lips one more time before bringing his hands down on Sander's chest and looks at him from above.

"When did you fall for me?"

"For you" Robbe hears sander saying

He giggles "yeah for me."

"No no before you." Sander corrects him.

Robbe frowns feeling confused "what?"

Then sander starts explaining

" I first saw you when I had just arrived here. I had gone to academy to get my registration stuff , to sign papers and things like that. I called Eliott and went to his studio to meet him while I was waiting there.  
We talked a little and then you called him saying you were down waiting for him. He said goodbye and I stayed in his studio which was ours after that day. I went to the window and saw you standing beside the gate with your brown jacket and your cute beanie on your head. I just couldn't take my eyes off you. You were beautiful and I just knew you were Robbe , the one Eliott had described, even before I see Eliott getting close to you wrapping his hand around your shoulders and kissing you. and I saw you several times after that. Elliott was feeling down and I could see you coming every day to pick him up . The way you would smile every time you saw him or the way you wrapped your arms around his neck. I just couldn't get you out of my head. I was happy for Eliott I knew you were the one for him I had just never seen anyone so caring so beautiful like you."

Sander explains all this while looking at a ceiling behind Robbe. Then he looks at Robbe and when Robbe just stares at him with no reaction he rushes to continue

" Sorry that must be so creepy to you knowing I had feelings for you for so long. Honestly I don't know it myself when I fell for you. I think the feeling was always there." He whisperes the last part.

Robbe opens his mouth and closes it but nothing comes out. He just looks at Sander's lips before kissing him thoroughly. Sander holds his hips firmly as they kiss.

They break apart when they are out of breath. Robbe puts his forehead in Sander's closing his eyes. " Why didn't you come see me all this time?"

Sander keeps his eyes closed as he brings his hands up to cradle his face " I came to the funeral. I wanted to talk to you just asking how you were feeling or I don't know I didn't want to leave you alone. But then you were so sad so silent you barely talked to anyone and I chickened out. I didn't know if you wanted a stranger to be around talking to you. So I just waited Probably too long. I'm sorry."

Robbe hushes him " you did what you thought was right. Don't apologize baby." and kisses his forehead. "You are here now."

They open their eyes seeing the other smiling.

"I want to take you on a date." Sander says.

Robbe giggles "what?"

"I want to take you on a proper date. Like going out drinking eating dancing, whatever just me and you."

Robbe nods smiling "ok let's go on a date then."

Sander grins "good." before fliping Robbe again, pinning him to the bed and tickling him.

"Nononono sander stop." Robbe writhing in bed ,both laughing out of breath. Then sander lay down beside him keeping Robbe tight in his arms.

'Nothing matters right now. Only you and me' they wonder.

Next day when Robbe wakes up the other side of the bed is empty. He finds a piece of paper on Sander's pillow. a drawing of Robbe with his black t-shirt laying on bed , his head on Sander's bare chest. Exactly like how they slept last night. They haven't gone all the way yet.

Last night they just made out a little more before falling sleep in each other's arms. warm and safe.

There is something written on the paper :

" Had to go help a friend for a photography project. I'll send you the address. meet me there. Can't wait to see you."

Robbe smiles and falls on Sander's pillow breathing in his scent.

He then gets out of the bed and decides to do some work on his laptop for the rest of the day till he goes out with sander. He is excited like a teenager , it makes him feel stupid but he can't stop himself.

It's 7 pm right now and Robbe is waiting outside a bar. He has never been to this place before and based on what he sees from the outside it seems to be a cool place. He is looking forward to go inside since it's freezing outside.

He turns his head around to the street and sees sander walking towards him in his combat boots and black skinny jeans and leather jacket his bleached hair make him stand out among the people around him. He is handsome and he walks in a way that makes Robbe weak on his knees. He can't wait to kiss him until his lips goes numb.

Sander smiles when his eyes land on Robbe. He gets close whispering "hi" as Robbe almost jump into his arms kissing him.

They both giggle when they break the kiss to see each other.

"Shall we go inside?" Sander asks wrapping one arm around Robbe's waist.

"Sure." 

They walk inside. The place is beautiful. There are tables around the bar and there is a dance floor in the middle and is kinda crowded which makes sense since it's a Saturday night.

They walk to a table sitting close to each other and order some beers. They spend an hour maybe more talking and laughing , feeding each other some appetizers kissing and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears. 

They are a little drunk. Sander tries to get Robbe to dance, Robbe protest at first but then gives up and they go on the dance floor dancing to some loud music blasting into the place.

They get closer and closer getting more and more turned on by every touch. Their skin is on fire. Robbe wrappes his hands around Sander's neck and kisses him moaning into it. The music is loud enough to cover the sounds they are making. 

Sander grips Robbe's hips firmly bringing his lips close to his hear "let's go home."

Robbe nods enthusiastically tipsy and happy. 

They get their jackets and are about to leave that a hand suddenly grips Sander's jacket makes him turn around and before he realises what is happening the hand comes up slapping him making sander throws his head aside Putting his own palm on his face from the pain.

Robbe watches sander. shocked and more aware of the surrounding now. He turns his head immediately to face the one who slapped sander and is met by Britt's face red from all the anger she is containing.

She looks Robbe in the eyes and spits out the words harshly "stay away from my boyfriend."

Robbe looks at sander seeing him with clenched jaw and fists balled at his sides. Robbe is frozen. He doesn't know what to do he just stares at whatever that is happening.

"Come." Britt says to sander and tries to take his hand and get him out of the club but sander pulls his own hand out of her grip harshly.

"Fuck off Britt. Why can't you understand. I told you thousands of times that it's over. Get the fuck out of my life." 

Sander is so frustrated and angry that every word is like a flame that gets out of his mouth burning everything around. Burning Britt down to ashes. 

But she fights back.

"You'll come back to me sander. You'll crawl back into my bed begging me to forgive you. That's what you always do." She says bitterly , more calm but still full of anger with a hint of a smirk on her lips.

"I'm not getting back to that hell that you made for me." Sander says with clenched jaw with the most emotionless expression in the world.

Britt's smirks turns into shock then more anger and she takes a glass full of beer from the table beside her hand and throws it all over Sander's face. 

Robbe just looks at sander waiting for his reaction. Sander's face in not readable he seems to be numb. He opens his eyes and dries the beer out of his eyes with the back of his sleeve and takes Robbe's hand while staring at Britt saying "come" and starts walking out taking a startled confused and lost Robbe with him.

They get out into the cold midnight. Sander immediately calls a cab and they get inside the car.

They stay silent till they get home. Robbe wants to say something or at least take Sander's hand but he is so tense and distant looking out of the window staring at nothing as the city passes by his eyes that Robbe decides to just sit in the car and wait till they get home.

They arrive in front of the building and get out of the car and walk the stairs up to Robbe's flat. Robbe opens the door and gets inside sander following behind.

Robbe is taking his sneakers off trying to form a sentence in his head to talk to sander but sander breaks the silence finally saying something.

"I should go." 

He is about to open the door and step out that Robbe takes his hand on the door and stops him.

"No sander. Where are you going?" 

Robbe desperately tries to make eye contact to get sander to stay to listen to him but sander has his eyes closed and his jaw clenched.

Robbe gets close slowly whispering "sander look at me." 

It takes a minute for sander to finally open his eyes and turn his head toward Robbe.

Robbe keeps getting closer till his forehead is on Sander's. Eyes searching his.

"I'm sorry. She ruined our date." Sander says in a quite and sad voice making Robbe's heart ache for him.

Robbe closes his eyes his hands blindly searches sander's to interwine their fingers. he then brings their hands up and kisses Sanders knuckles.

"Don't be sorry. It wasn't your fault." He whispers between their lips that are so close desperate to be connected into a sweet kiss.

Sander sighs, a loaded exhale, a little less tense. it seems that Robbe's presence so close so warm is making him relax.

"Come." Robbe whispers as he squeezes sander's hand tenderly "let's take a shower." 

Robbe goes to the bath room holding sander's hand making him following behind.

They get inside the bathroom and he turns around to face sander. They help each other to get out of their clothes till they are naked. Then they go under the shower and let the hot water washes away all the beer on sander's body and also all the anger and frustration, the sadness and the shame, whatever ugly emotions that he is feeling right now.

They hug each other under the water kissing each other's shoulders, kissing every inch of skin they can reach.

Robbe takes sander's face in his hand and kisses him hard and desperate and relieved all at the same time. He kisses him till they are both so desperate and hungry that they can't take not being connected to the core.

Sander kisses on Robbe's neck and slowly turns him around and keeps kissing his back , every freckle , every inch. and when he finally gets inside Robbe , when they are finally linked together not knowing where one starts and the other finishes they fall into a beautiful rythem , riding their pleasure together.

and when they eventually let go when they lose themselves in pleasure , nothing matters anymore , no harsh word, no bad memory, only them in this universe together , forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally they had their first time together 🙂❤️


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter five is ready with a little delay.
> 
> Warning: mention of self harm / explicit content

His eyes are closed but he can see the sunlight illuminating the space in the room behind his eyelids. 

His body is relaxed and well rested , wrapped in a soft blanket, naked, warm and cozy. He can feel someone's presence in bed, pleasant and safe, sander's. 

Their feet are tangled together and he can hear sander's breathing, close, in a beautiful rhythm, his hot breath clashing into the back of Robbe's neck.

Robbe lets his mind wander to last night happening, a big sleepy smile appears on his face when he does. Of course it was so close to get ruined but it ended well.

It was good to be close to sander to feel his naked body pressed to his own under the hot running water, to let their fingers roam all over their bodies and soothe each other's mind , to vanish the vicious thoughts.

Sander was gentle and caring though a little possessive but Robbe absolutely loved it. it has been so long since he last felt this kind of closeness , he can even say it was unique, sander is indeed special and the way he lets Robbe be himself around him and the way he just cracks Robbe open to touch his soul is something that Robbe never wants to let go of.

The thought of letting go makes Robbe to unconsciously search for sander's hand that is on his waist and interlace their fingers running them on sander's knuckles feeling the soft skin.

He feels kisses being pressed to the back of his neck and giggles when sander tightenes his arms around Robbe not letting him turn around. He keeps leaving wet open mouthed kisses on his neck down on his shoulders and then coming back lifting himself up on his elbow to kiss Robbe's cheek mumbling 'good morning beautiful' into Robbe's skin making him whine, getting needy in a second. That's what sander does to Robbe, he can make Robbe melt in his arms just by soft kisses and praises.

"Good morning" Robbe smiles eyes still closed, a blissful expression on his face.

"Open your eyes" sander whispers smiling.

"Kiss me first" Robbe says kinda whines into sander's lips that are so close to his own.

Sander wastes no time to close the gap and give him the softest kiss. Robbe moans and follows his lips when sander pulls back and he chuckles pinning Robbe into the bed as he hovers above him making himself comfortable between Robbe's thighs ,eyes roaming all over Robbe's face, his brown curls around it ,his soft freckled skin and his laugh lines his little nose and now his opend eyes beautiful and irresistible making sander want to keep him here , in this bed, close to himself forever , kiss him senseless into oblivion. 

" You are beautiful." He says bumping his nose to Robbe's making him blush intensely , bitting his lips to keep the wide smile that is about to take all over his little face and buries it into sander's neck not looking into his fiercely green eyes.

"Oh are you going all shy on me now little robin?" Sander coos at him.

Robbe groans and buries himself more into sander's neck.

Sander uses his teasing voice to say " But You were so bold last night telling me to give it to you to go faster ...

Robbe's breath hitches and he brings his hands up laughing with a surprised expression screaming "sander" to make him stop.

Sander laughs and dodges his head to not let Robbe tap his mouth with his hands.

Robbe fights his hold trying to disentangle himself from him but he easily pins Robbe down again and stares into his eyes soft and lovesick.

They spend some time catching their breath , staring at each other love drunk.

Finally sander breaks the silence " I'm sorry about last night."

Robbe shakes his head hushing him "stop it. It wasn't your fault." Bringing their faces closer mumbling against his lips " let's forget about it." Kissing sander deep making him moan into the kiss.

Sander breaks the kiss to continue it down Robbe's neck on his chest and when he gets to his nipple he darts his tongue out and circles it around the hard bud and sucks it gently but eagerly making Robbe cry out of pleasure.

He tries to take the blanket out of his way to see Robbe completely bare and beautiful but when he does Robbe suddenly gets his wrist to stop him "sander" he whispers sad and tries to hide himself under the covers , still out of breath and very much turned on.

Sander looks at him confused also dazed by the make out session they just had. "What's wrong?"

Robbe has turned his head to the side avoiding eye contact looking out the window. Sander can see his eyes going wet from the tears that they are holding.

"It's just..." He closes his eyes and takes a shaky breath in. " It's ugly" Robbe says in a small voice making sander's heart ache for him.

Sander brings his head down to kiss Robbe's knuckles that are clutching the blanket tightly and slowly takes the cover out of his hold to reveal his naked body , his thighs and the scars there that he is trying to hide.

Sander looks up at him again to find his eyes still closed then he loweres his head to put small kisses on the inside of Robbe's thighs to kiss every scare to sooth his pain. It's beautiful , it's Robbe so of course it's pure beauty but sander knows that it will take time to make Robbe know that, to really believe in it.

"You are beautiful." Sander murmurs between kisses. 

Robbe slowly opens his eyes to look at sander who is lied between his thighs leaving soothing kisses on his body appreciating every inch of him and he can't keep his tears from falling anymore. They roll down his face one by one silently.

After kissing every single scar sander looks up again to find Robbe's teary eyes on himself. he wastes no time to raise himself up to kiss his trembling lips to silently tell him 'im here and I'm not going anywhere I love you as you are' and Robbe reciprocates putting everything he has in the kiss to thank him to love him back.

and when they make love again, passionately and eagerly , under the rays of sunlight illuminating the room bare and tangled together it's like a statement 

' this is us and we have nothing to hide' 

and everything else can wait on the other side of the door, it just the two of them for now in this universe.

Monday morning they both get into Sander's car. Sander drives Robbe to his university. It takes half an hour for them to end their make out session in the car. Robbe insists on riling sander up to go for another round, honestly they have lost count of how many times they did it on weekend, and though sander wants it even more than Robbe but he stops it with a bunch of pecks on Robbe's pouting lips saying he has to go to his own flat to change clothes before going to his work, a part time job at a museum. So they say goodbye with one last kiss.

Later that day when Robbe is studying in the library Milan texts him to let him know that there's going to be a party in the flat and Robbe can't say no also he has to bring his very hot boyfriend too.

Robbe smiles at Milan's usual insisting and promise to be there but he warns him that he has to check with sander to see if he has time.

Weekdays pass one by one quickly but this time not out of boredom or sadness. They just pass good and quite and very satisfying because every day that Robbe wakes up he finds a warm body beside himself and the thought of finding sander in bed every night or in front of the TV or in the kitchen cooking , showering together just knowing he is around ready to pour all his love and affection on Robbe makes him feel safe and hopeful. 

Hope, something he couldn't find for a long time. but things seems to get better and for once Robbe lets himself to trust it, to accept how things are going to be, at least for now.

On Friday Robbe goes to see his mom in the afternoon.

She has been doing better the past few weeks. She is taking her medication regularly and it seems to work this time, she smiles and reads books again she talks more with the hospital staff and she has even been taking short walks in the hospital garden for a few days.

Robbe has been visiting her regularly and watching her getting better and better every day has been a pleasure for him, it made all the exhaustion fade away to see her smile again to talk excitedly about her new book that she has started reading. It's all Robbe could ever wish for. He doesn't know how long it's going to last but he doesn't want to think about future like that. She is doing better NOW. that's all that matter.

He walks the stairs up to her room but when he gets closer the door is open and a nurse, probably new since Robbe doesn't know her, is putting the medications in the tray beside the bed , probably for his mom to take after dinner.

Robbe clears his throat to let her know he is here and when she turns around he asks " where is the patient in this room?" 

"She went for a walk in the garden."

Robbe smiles and thanks her before going down the stairs to go find his mom.

Robbe finds her sitting on a bench under a tree. She looks calm and well rested, still a little pale. Her brown hair is now longer ,it's past her shoulder blades. She is wearing a light pink sweater with dark blue pants, staring into the green view of the garden in front of her, oblivious about the things around . 

When Robbe gets closer it seems like she can sense his presence as she turns her face to him and smiles at him bright and beautiful. How Robbe wish he could always see her like this , well rested and carefree. not that he loves her any less for not being alway like this but it's still hard for him and probably will forever be to see her fall into sadness and anxiety every now and then, to lose the ability to smile to hope and to even get out of bed. He wishes that things were different but he loves her anyway and would never want to let go of her.

"Hi darling" she says smiling as she opens her arm to give him a tight hug.

Robbe smiles back and hugs her back breathing in her scent. 

Their hugs last a little as they feel each other's warmth. A mom's hug would never fail to make one feel instantly better.

They finally part away as Robbe sits beside her still keeping her warm hands in his own.

"You are doing better." Robbe says smiling at her beautiful face.

"Yes I am. Thanks to you for being patient with me" she says smiling , a little shy and self deprecating knowing every time she gets hospitalised Robbe spends so much time doing everything right for her to take care of her to manage things on his own.

"I'd do anything for you. You know that right?"   
Robbe says serious and gentle, squeezing her hands tenderly letting her know he really means it.

She smiles and squeezes his hands back thanking him silently , appreciating his strength and patience.

Robbe had decided to talk to her about sander and he has been waiting for a while first because he wanted to make sure about what was really going on between sander and himself and second he wanted to tell her about him in a appropriate time like now that she is doing well and can listen to him.

"mom I wanted to tell you something about someone I have been seeing recently." he says smiling as he remembers sander and how good everything has been that he is finally here to talk about him with his mama.

"Who is it?" She says in a soft voice smiling excitedly but also waits patiently for Robbe to open up. she knows her son better that to push him to talk knowing he always need a moment before saying what he wants to say specially when it's about something like this, love.

"Well he is a friend...I mean he was ...now he is my boyfriend...we met a while ago ... maybe it's too soon I don't know but I just you know ..." He stutters suddenly feeling like something that he sees in sander or has felt in a little while that they have been together may not make sense to his mama or make her worried that he has been so bossed with a guy this much already calling himself in love and all.

as his thoughts go into spiralling he feels a hand on his shoulder making him lift his head up to look into her eyes. they are soft and calm making him feel grounded, relaxed and back into his own skin.

"Does he make you happy?" she asks softly , caressing his back tenderly trying to ease his nerves.

He takes a deep breath, smiling and nods. Feeling a heavy burden off his shoulders.

"Then I'm so happy for you baby." She smiles and hugs him again. 

Robbe lets himself be held and buries his face into her neck feeling safe and understood. 

after the conversation and the revelation about sander he feels more at ease. they talk some more before a nurse comes to take her inside for dinner and some more rest.

Before saying goodbye his mom makes him promise to bring sander to see him when she is back home and Robbe promise excitedly. 

He then heads to sander's flat to pick him up. They are supposed to go to Milan's party tonight and honestly Robbe is a little nervous, but nothing matters as long as sander is by his side. 

He knocks on the door and Noor opens the door.

"Hi Robbe come in." She greets him with a hug excitedly and tells him that sander is in his room getting ready.

After some greetings and joking Robbe goes to the end of the house to Sander's room.

He enters the room seeing sander in a pair of tight black jean and converse going around the room shirtless with a white t-shirt in his hand. Robbe takes a minute to appreciate the view of his hot half naked boyfriend thinking maybe they'll have some time to do some naughty things before heading out.

as he is starting at his boyfriend shamelessly sander turns around and laughs when he sees Robbe's state. 

Robbe looks up at him and wastes no time to jump into his arm kissing him hard.

They break the kiss to catch their breath and find themselves lied on the bed sander on his back and Robbe sitting on his lap kissing on his neck and grinding into him making him harden up in his pants.

Sander chuckles and grips Robbe's hips to stop him. Robbe whines and stops, burying his face in sander's neck.

"Baby we don't have time for that now. We're gonna be late." Sander says softly kissing the side of his face.

Robbe groans "but you are so hot. I won't survive tonight." He mumbles into his neck making him chuckle.

Sander pulls Robbe's head out of his neck gently and looks into his eyes. "We'll come back to my flat tonight and I'll take care of you. Is that good?" 

Robbe nods and pecks his lips before rolling off sander sitting beside him in bed.

Sander sits up and wears his white t-shirt that had abandoned on the bed while making out with Robbe and faces him taking his hands in his own.

"Did you see your mom?"

Robbe smiles "yeah. She is doing better."

"Good." Sander smiles squeezing his hands affectionately.

"I also told her about you." He looks down biting his lip.

"Oh. What did she say?" Sander asks excited and a little nervous.

"She wants to meet you when she gets back." He looks up to find sander's eyes , grinning.

"That's awesome. I'd love to see her" sander leans down to give Robbe a gentle kiss and when Robbe deepens it he pulls back kissing his pouting lips one last time before taking his hand to get them ready to leave.

The night goes better than what Robbe expected. Everyone is chill and their greetings with sander is so comforting. Nothing is akward and they spend most of the night eating and drinking and dancing like any other party that they hold.

Robbe feels safe and happy among his friends and wrapped in sander's arms whispering sweet things in his ear laughing and joking with their friends making 'a happy life' look so easy to achieve.

And for once after a long time Robbe lets himself to let go to enjoy a quite night with his loved ones.

He can see the way Zoë and Milan's faces light up whenever sander kisses Robbe or does anything affectionate to make him blush and smile.

After dinner Lucas takes sander to his room to show him some of his works that are supposed to be shown in an art gallery next month. 

Meanwhile Robbe helps Zoë and senne to wash the dishes and then goes to balcony to get some fresh air.

When he enters the balcony he finds jens leaning his arms on the bars smoking his favourite cigarette , the one that Robbe absolutely hates now. 

Though he used to love them when they were teenagers, back then he loved everything that was Jens-related. skating, drinking cheap beer and smoking cigarettes with it's terrible smell, talking about hot pornstars and masturbating with toothpaste.

Truthfully he can't even say what he liked because of his crush on jens and what he actually liked for his own liking. 

He was scared of his own feelings, he hated being different in a shameful way but also he couldn't control the way he alway wanted to be close to Jens the way his wet dreams were filled with the naked body of a particular dark haired boy. The way he would feel terribly guilty after every time of jerking off to his best friend who was alway there to catch him when he was falling. maybe not that gentle or affectionate but in his own way, like a sixteen year old boy.

at some point his crush got so serious that he went on and fucked everything up between Jens and Jana and even after years after getting several reassurances from both of them that it wasn't only his fault that the break up would be inevitable he still feels guilty. The shame is old and dusty but still makes his heart ache and his stomach twist every time he remembers it.

Though his feelings changed when he met Eliott. He still loved Jens but not sexually , not like a lover, not so clingy anymore. He kept Jens close as a friend, as his best friend and their friendship grew up over the years, they learnt to open up for each other better , more affectionately , more tenderly and it was one of the things that Robbe has held on to when things got hard and now that he thinks about the past two years the way he stubbornly pushed Jens away it was the most stupid thing he has ever done. Jens is important and Robbe doesn't want him to stay away, not anymore.

He walks up to Jens standing beside him staring into the city lights , it's almost past midnight. it's quite and cold but beautiful.

Jens exhales the smoke out of his lungs turning his face to Robbe smiling " having fun?" 

Robbe smiles and looks back at him "yeah. It was good to catch up with you, all of you." He then looks back at the view in front of him his smile fading " I feel stupid for staying away for two long."

Jens gets closer squeezing his shoulder with one hand "hey it's ok. You are here now that's all that matters. it was too much for you Robbe. I ...I mean we all understand that you needed time."

Robbe looks down at his fingers noding. A tight smile on his lips.

"How are things with sander?" Jens asks smiling "he seems nice."

Robbe's smile widens and he nods his cheeks blushing " he is good, very good. I still can't believe he is here with me."

"Why not? You deserve happiness like everyone else and beside you are not so bad yourself." Jens says in a teasing voice.

Robbe looks at him perplexed when he finds Jens's eyes roaming all over him checking him out jokingly.

"Well if you had told me that a couple of years ago we were married by now. you lost your chance dude." 

Jens pouts and groans and then they both burst out laughing.

When their laughter dies down they keep talking about everything and nothing like old times. 

Robbe feels a pair of arms circling around his body pulling him back , pressed into a firm chest and he doesn't need to turn behind to know it's Sander. He can already smell his perfume and hear the familiar sound of his breathing when he loweres his lips to whisper into his ear " there you are. have been searching for you every where." Kissing his cheek.

Robbe smiles and turns around in his arms to meet sander's gorgeous green eyes, the ones he never gets tired of staring at.

"Hey" Robbe says before closing the gap between them to give sander a soft kiss on his lips.

"Ok lovebirds see you inside" Jens says as he walks back into the flat.

Sander takes Robbe's fingers between his own fingers bringing them up to his lips to warm them up "god you are freezing" he then takes his own jacket off to put it around Robbe who is only wearing a black t-shirt.

Robbe hooks his arms around Sander's neck to give him a proper kiss and sander reciprocates.

When they break the kiss Robbe looks into his half lided eyes " should we get out of here?" 

Sander nods already excited to get Robbe alone "my place or yours. Please say yours" he then keeps kissing his neck.

Robbe closes his eyes feeling dizzy by the kisses he is getting "weren't we supposed to go to yours?" he manages to get out smiling.

"Yeah but Noor texted me that she has brought her girlfriend to the flat and it would be the best thing if I stay the fuck out for tonight."

Robbe laughs and tightenes his hold around sander's neck "let's go to my place then."

And they leave after saying goodbye to everybody receiving tight hugs and loud kisses from their very drunk friends.

They spend the weekend together mostly at home watching movie, cooking together reading books for each other and of course sex, lots of sex more than they would usually have but Robbe ignores it thinking maybe it's just the newness of it or simply for the fact that they are young and in love and so horny.

But his suspicion increases when sander starts taking long walks at night or not sleeping as much as he usually does.

Monday morning when Robbe wakes up it's still dark outside. He finds the other side of the bed empty and when he turns around he finds sander at the desk drawing.

He is worried though it's not the first time he is facing something like this so there is no reason for him to panic but in spite of living with Eliott for years and handeling his ups and downs on his own , only him and Eliott, he still feels like it's new because sander is a different person so there definitely is going to be differences and he needs to go through it to get to know sander in these times.

The morning goes well. Sander is a little jumpy and anxious and they have another round of sex before they get ready to go out.

Sander walks Robbe to his work office before kissing him goodbye and it's the last time Robbe hears from him till Wednesday morning that when he calls sander several times and finds out it's off he can't stay away anymore and goes to his flat to see him. 

He had decided to give him some space and only check on him through massages and phone calls but when sander didn't turn his phone on for more than twelve hours Robbe couldn't take it anymore. He needed to find him.

He walks up the stairs to the door of sander's flat and knocks. 

Noor opens the door to let him in."hey Robbe. Good morning" 

"Hey . Is sander here?" He asks nervously hoping she would say yes to end his vicious thoughts that are making bad scenarios in his head.

Her face falls "no. I thought he was with you."

Robbe takes a deep breath trying to calm down his own heart that is thumping so hard in his chest. "when did you last saw him?" He asks quitely trying not to look too worried.

Noor seems to think a bit before answering "I saw him on Monday coming home to take some paint and stuff ... I thought he was going to yours"

"No he didn't come to my house. I should go and check his studio. maybe he is there."

He is about to turn around and walk out that Noor takes his arm stoping him.

"Wait. I call a friend who is at academy today. I'll ask them to go and check his studio."

Robbe nods and get inside waiting for Noor to call her friend. he is nervous and can't really sit around and wait so he goes to sander's room to find something.

He enters the room. It's quite and a little messy. The bed is made so he probably didn't sleep here at all.

He goes to the night stand drawers and finds his medication. He hasn't obviously taken his med either.

"Hey Robbe. my friend checked and sander is in his studio. safe and sound for now." She smiles

"Oh ok. Good. thank you. I'll probably go there now." 

He takes Sander's medication and stuff them in his bag to give it to sander.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Noor says softly with a worried expression on her face.

"No thanks. I'll manage."

She smiles and nods "call me if any of you needed anything."

Robbe gets out of the flat to go to academy. He briskly walks into a bakery and buys a couple of chocolate croissants in case sander hasn't eaten anything and also to have an excuse to show up there out of nowhere.

After half an hour he finds himself in front of the door of Eliott's studio...sander's... sander's studio.

He knocks.

"Yeah?" Sander says and by just hearing him Robbe already feels a little less worried. but he needs to see him to make sure he is fine.

He opens the door and steps in.

He looks around and finds papers and paint scattered all over the place and in the middle of it is Sander, sitting at his desk moving his pencil frantically on the paper drawing a black and dreadful silhouette.

"Sander" Robbe calls gently

Sander suddenly freezes and turns around finding Robbe at the door a little beautiful smile on his face.

He jumps up and gets closer."Robbe . What are you doing here?" 

Robbe brings his arm up, a paper bag in his hand "fresh croissants" he announces with a smile.

Sander leans in and kisses him fiercely grabbing him and guiding him towards the single couch at the other side of the little room.

Robbe kisses him back trying to keep up with the force in sander's kisses.

When they sit on the couch Robbe breaks the kiss making sander protest and follow his lips again. But Robbe pushes him gently back into the couch and looks him in the eyes tenderly but firmly.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"No"

"When did you last eat something?".

"I don't remember." Sander says more quietly like the reality is hitting him little by little.

"Ok so we eat now." Robbe takes the croissants out and makes sander eat two of them.

Sander finishes his food and starts kissing Robbe again pulling him down to lie down with him.

when Robbe looks down he sees the front of sander's jeans and decides to help him release some tension.

Robbe lies down on his side one hand under sander's shoulders who is lying down on his back kissing on Robbe's neck and he uses his other hand to unbutton sander's jeans taking out his erection.

Robbe takes sander's hard and throbbing dick in his hand slowly stroking it from base to tip making sander moan.

It doesn't takes so long for sander to come as he buries his face into Robbe's neck and lets out loud moans that get muffled into Robbe's skin.

"Better now?" Robbe asks kissing sander's forehead.

Sander nods with his head burying himself more into Robbe's neck breathing in his sweet scent.

"Will you hold me?" Sander asks with shaky voice small and tired.

"Of course baby." Robbe kisses his forehead again "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." 

And sander falls sleep in his arms as soon as Robbe wrappes his arms around him, grounding him, making him feel safe .

'he is here and he will stay by my side. my robin. my love' 

Sander wonders before sleep vanishes all the thoughts out of his tired brain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well only one chapter to end this fiction. 
> 
> Thanks for reading commenting and supporting ♥️


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so here it is finally!!!! 
> 
> sorry for taking too long. hope you enjoy ❤️

He doesn't remember when he fell sleep while holding sander close to his chest murmuring soothing things in his ear rocking him tenderly to make him feel safe.

He opens his heavy eyelids and looks around. the sky is cloudy, sun has disappeared under thick grey clouds leaving the room dark and cold.

his muscles are a little sore from the uncomfortable position he has been laying in for the past hours. he doesn't know what time it is.

he turns his head slightly to look at sander's face who has buried himself into Robbe's arms. his eyes are closed big dark circles around them proving he hasn't slept well the past couple of days.

Robbe stares at him for a while taking in his beauty. his thick dark eyebrows his cute nose and his red lips that are a bit paler than usual, slightly parted.

he finds himself smiling at knowing that he has found sander safe and has him in his arms.though things will be a bit tough when he wakes up , probably falling into an episode but things could be worse and Robbe is more than glad that it didn't happen any other way.

he takes one hand to his pocket trying to find his phone while keeping the other arm under Sander holding him to his own chest.

he finds his phone and quickly sends Noor a text to bring sander's car to academy and pick them up. fortunately she is free and she says that she will come soon.

Robbe takes his arm out and slowly crawls out of couch and sander's grip.

he goes to Sander's desk to pick his stuff into his green bag to take home. pens and papers and anything that would be needed when sander gets out of bed again to entertain himself with ,to get his feelings and thoughts on paper if he wants to. to draw instead of talking like Eliott used to do .

"Robbe" 

Robbe turns around finding a sleepy sander searching for him with sunken eyes , his tired body sprawled out on the worn out couch.

"yeah I'm here." Robbe says softly walking to sander , kneeling beside him kissing his forehead. "I'm here."

sander stares at something behind Robbe , a lump in his throat " i wanna go home" he whispers in a sad and small voice it makes Robbe's heart ache for him.

"we are going home baby." softly stroking his face Robbe looks at his phone and sees a notification from Noor saying she has arrived and is waiting.

Robbe helps sander to get up and they descend the stair down and out of the building.

Noor helps Robbe to get sander in the back seat of the car. Robbe sits beside him and sander puts his head on his shoulder. Robbe holds him tight kissing his forehead his face anywhere he can reach with his lips.

they arrive to Robbe's flat and Robbe helps sander to get into the flat.

Robbe tells Noor to go home despite her protests for staying and helping him out but she finally gives up still making Robbe promise that he would ask for help whenever it gets too much for him to do everything on his own.

he closes the door behind Noor and comes to living room finding sander sitting on the brim of the couch tired with his eyes closed and his head in his hands.

sander hasn't taken a shower in days so Robbe helps him to do it before putting him in bed.

he walks to sander kneeling down in front of him.

"sander do you want to take a shower?" 

sander doesn't open his eyes but he is contemplating the question. 

"I don't think I can stand up for a shower." he says , his voice barely above a whisper.

"it's ok. I can fill the bathtub for you."

sander nods. Robbe smiles and helps him to get up. they go to bathroom and Robbe takes sander clothes off then his own while the bathtub is being filled with hot water.

Robbe helps him to sit inside of it and he himself sits behind sander hugging him to his own chest as sander closes his eyes and lets himself be held by Robbe.

he gently wets sander's hair and puts some shampoo on it massaging it lightly letting him enjoy the tender touch of Robbe's fingertips.

then he uses the head shower to wash away the shampoo and the soap that he has scrubbed his skin with. he lowers the head shower as he feels sander's shoulders shaking , he realises that he is silently crying and it breaks his heart to see sander vulnerable and sad, head falling on his bare knees, trembling like a lost little kitten.

it's not the first time Robbe sees his loved one breaking down in his arms but it still hurts Robbe like the first time. the first time Robbe found Eliott in his studio hiding from the world, he saw Eliott scared and distressed trying not to be seen, running away from the questioning looks of the people who expected him to be "normal" to simply just hide his struggle and pretend that everything was fine, to show some counterfeit strength and put a fake smile on his face. 

but Robbe was the one who saw the obvious incompatibility between his smile and his beautiful oceanlike sad eyes. Eliott's eyes gave him away and Robbe was there to see his truth and he loved Eliott too much to leave him for the bare reality of his existence. Eliott was not perfect . Robbe saw him imperfect and fell for him even more. he was not letting go and they remained as two flawed humans who reciprocated each other's feelings flawlessly. 

Robbe lowers his head to kiss sander's shoulder and puts his forehead on his back trying to show his own presence to sander but also stays quite and gives him time to cry to let go to share the pain in his own way , in any way he feels comfortable in.

sander crys until he is too tired to weep one more tear out , until he is weakly whimpering and sniffing. he then lift his head up and silently communicates with robbe that he wants to get out of the bathtub.

Robbe kisses the soft skin of his shoulder one more time before getting up and helping sander out and into bedroom.

the room is quite. the only sound that can be heard is the gentle descending of rain droplets on the window glass.

robbe sits sander on the brim of the bed with a big white towel wrapped around his slim body, drops of water falling from his bleached hair on his golden skin rolling down and disappearing into the soft fabric of the towel.

he quickly dries himself and puts some grey hoodie and sweatpants on before getting a white hoodie and a black sweatpants to dress sander. 

sander is quite and lets Robbe dress him up and guide him to bed to lay down. Robbe slip under the blanket too and hugs him stroking his damp bleached hair. 

"will you sing a Bowie song for me?" sander says voice muffled into the collar of Robbe's hoodie.

Robbe smiles and gives a reassuring squeeze to his body " of course baby." 

he then starts humming rock 'n' roll suicide as he gently rocks sander in his arms

"Oh no, love, you're not alone  
You're watching yourself, but you're too unfair"

sander closes his eyes that are burning with newly formed tears and buries his face more into Robbe's warm embrace

"You got your head all tangled up, but if I could only make you care  
Oh no, love, you're not alone"

Robbe keeps singing as he nose into sander's hair breathing in his scent

"No matter what or who you've been  
No matter when or where you've seen  
All the knives seem to lacerate your brain  
I've had my share, I'll help you with the pain  
You're not alone"

sander slowly drifts into sleep as he listenes to Robbe's voice fading into silence but surely still there somewhere in the back of his head, curved on his mind forever, soothing and reassuring.

"Just turn on with me, and you're not alone  
Let's turn on and be not alone  
Gimme your hands, 'cause you're wonderful"

he opens his eyes slowly his brain taking a while to register the buzzing sound of his phone on the night stand.

he blindly stretches his arm to reach for the phone and turns the sound off to not wake sander up.

three days have past since he brought sander home. sander is sleeping most of the days, struggling a little at night because of his nightmares but still everything seems to be fine. he has started eating a little since yesterday. Robbe has been working from home and also studying here instead of library. 

he looks at sander who is still in the same position that he fell sleep in, probably too tired to move around. ' he is beautiful' Robbe wonders as he stares at his beautiful face and his innocent expression. with the white hoodie he looks like an angel , peacefully sleeping in Robbe's arms. his heart aches for sander, he wishes for probably way too many times that he could take his pain away and free sander from the constant suffering. but he can only stay around and sooth his pain that would come back and haunt sander down whenever it wants. Robbe tries to accept his part and do as much as he can. he doesn't have to but he wants to , he knows now.

he slowly disentangles himself from sander and gets out of bed, careful not to wake him up. he plants a kiss on sander's forehead before going out of the room and into kitchen to make some coffee for himself.

his phone buzzes again and Robbe looks at it and sees a bunch of notifications.

noor and Milan and Jens, a bunch of massages from group chats.

he opens Noor's first saying they are fine and also thank her for the ride.

then he opens Jens's 

" hi Robbe. there's going to be a party at Jana's. just texted you to see if you liked to join us. "

"also you should bring your lover boy 😉"

Robbe sighs , his fingers hovering above the keyboard trying to decide if he wants to just make up some excuse or actually telling Jens that what is going on.

he knows that it has been hard for Jens too. him and Eliott were also so close and after the incident he had a hard time facing the reality of the situation also because Robbe locked himself up in his house and avoided him made it even worse. though Jens has alway been gentle and forgiving, and so chill specially with Robbe. he loves Robbe and as their friendship grew stronger he never stopped telling him how much Robbe meant to him.

Robbe is already regretting what he once did so he definitely doesn't want to do it again. hiding things like this is not an option anymore.

he taps on his name.

it's silent for awhile before Jens picks up.

"hi Robbe."

"hi." 

"everything ok?" Jens asks obviously worried after hearing Robbe's hoarse voice.

" yeah yeah it's fine. everything is ok." Robbe says in a reassuring voice to calm his nerves. 

"good." Jens replies still a little unsure " I texted you. did you see it?" 

"yeah I called for that actually." he hesitates for a second " uhm well sander is feeling low and I think it's better to just stay home with him." 

silence falls but it's not uncomfortable. Jens knows that sander is bipolar so it's not a shocked kind of silence. 

" oh ok . do you need help with anything? like something I can do" 

" no no I can manage." Robbe rushes to say it .

"Robbe" Jens replies in a annoyed voice , determined to stay around and support his friend . " I'm not letting you do everything on your own. not anymore you understand?"

Robbe huffs " Jens you are being dramatic . I can do ..."

Jens interrupts him " I bet you haven't slept well in days and have been eating noodles and your hair is disheveled in every direction" he then adds with a more gentle voice " people need people Robbe." 

Robbe looks up and sees his own reflection on the window glass. exactly like what Jens has just described. 

he sighs and stays silent. not that he doesn't want help but it's still something that he struggles with, to reach out and ask for it, to find the right words. but Jens doesn't give him a hard time about it probably already knows that Robbe is not very good at that part so he says " I can come over this afternoon so you can get some rest or some fresh air , anything."

Robbe smiles , grateful for having Jens in his life " that's good. thank you"

"see you then." 

"see you."

he spends the morning in his room perched on his desk near sander's bed working on an article for university then checking some emails related to work.

Jens arrives around five. Robbe checks on sander one more time before going to Jens . they drink coffee and chat a bit then start walking around cleaning the flat though they try not to make too much noise to wake sander up.

Jens sends Robbe to take a long bath to rest a little and Robbe is so grateful and happy that he is there because he indeed needs to rest a bit.

after he gets dressed he looks at his phone. it's eight so he has some time to go grocery shopping. sander will probably start eating properly again in a couple of days and Robbe doesn't want him to eat unhealthy junk food that he himself has been eating for the past few days.

" I will go shopping."

" if you want you can give me a list I'll go." Jens offers

"thanks but I think I need some fresh air." Robbe replies

Jens nods. Robbe takes his coat and goes to the door to put on his sneakers.

" will you stay tonight?" Robbe asks

" I would love to if you want." 

Robbe smile "ok then I'll get pizza on my way and we can watch a movie or something." 

Jens nods smiling.

"if sander wakes up tell him I'll be back soon ok?" Robbe says suddenly feeling worried about leaving sander.

Jens rolls his eyes playfully " ok lover boy. I'll take care of him. don't worry." 

"ok" Robbe smiles still a little hesitant but he steps out anyway. he knows jens will take care of him or call him as soon as possible whenever something goes wrong.

he walks to a near supermarket. breathing the fresh cold air of last autumn nights and watching the leaves falling off the branches , floating in the air before landing gently on the soaked ground. it has been raining constantly for the past days but tonight the clouds are gone and stars are shining in the sky. it's beautiful. Robbe can't wait for sander to feel better again so they can go on long walks at night watching the stellar night sky together. they will probably freez their ass up but it will be worth it.

the supermarket is quite and uncrowded. he goes around taking the things that he needs. picking some cheese and bread because he knows how much sander loves his croques, smiling as he remembers the memories of the beach house.

he pays the cashier and only when he is handed his bags he realises that maybe it would have been better to take his bike with him to carry the bags.

he takes the three big bags in his hands and walks back home. it's heavy but he makes it to the door anyway. he is about to put the bags down to get his keys that a voice from behind calls his name.

he turns around quickly already feeling too many things in a second at the sound of the familiar voice .

" where is sander. I wanna see him." Britt says as soon as their eyes meet.

Robbe clenches his jaw only staring at her thinking ' the fucking audacity this girl has' and rolls his eyes mentally.

Britt counties as he remains silent " I went to his place but he wasn't there and his phone is turned off. I know he is with you and also Noor told me that he is not feeling well. I'm here to take him home with me." she finishes her "speech" with her chin up looking at Robbe like a little stubborn kid.

Robbe snorts dryly still looking at her with wide eyes. he contemplates her words for a second before saying " you really think I'm going to leave him in your arm in such hard time hah!?" and does not wait for an answer as he goes on " he will decide himself if he wants to see you when he is feeling good enough to text you back or whatever but now please go away I can't let you in." 

he can see that she is getting angry , red and flushed glaring at Robbe.

he is bout to turn around that she speaks up again " and you think I will leave him here with you so he ends up dead like Eliott?" 

she must have realised what she just said since her breath hitches and she goes all tense when Robbe turns around to look at her again.

Robbe only stares at her a lump in his throat and finally lets the words out fiercely

" don't worry I'm not gonna call him crazy or force him to take his med when he is feeling fine. I won't boss him around every day and won't slap him if he takes his stuff and comes back to you so go home and wait for him till he decides what he wants.if it isn't already obvious for you."

he finishes out of breath , eyes brimming with tears .

Britt seems to understand how harsh she has been as she stutter , struggling to find words "Robbe I'm ... I didn't..."

but Robbe cuts her off "go home." 

and with that he turns around and opens the door still feeling Britt's gaze on himself but he doesn't care. he just takes the bags and goes inside and as the door closes behind him he puts the bags down and leans against the wall feeling his knees giving out and a tear rolls down his face.

he closes his eyes trying to get a grip of his thoughts and feelings that are running in his head, too fast, too harsh.

the feeling of his phone buzzing in his pocket gets him out into the reality. it's Jens

Robbe clears his throat and sniffs several times to sound not so ruined.

"hi."

"where are you Robbe?" Jens asks

"I'm down the stairs. everything ok?" feeling too worried all of the sudden.

"yeah yeah . come up then , I'll open the door."

Robbe drys his tear with his sleeve and tries to look somehow decent before taking the stairs to go back home. 

they spend the night eating pizza and watching movie.

sander comes out of bed to find Robbe. he is still visibly frail. as Robbe sees him entering the room he opens his arms to invite sander into a warm embrace. sander gives him a little smile and sits beside Robbe putting his head on his chest and Robbe closes his arms around him, nosing at his soft hair.

Jens watches them with a small smile, enjoying watching Robbe visibly happy again.

it's also so good how comfortable sander feels around Jens. when Eliott had his episodes he would only let Robbe and Jens to be around so apparently it has made both of them feel nostalgic to see sander let them in and accept their presence in times like this.

when the movie ends Robbe looks down at Sander's face. he is sleeping peacefully in his arms.

Robbe gently takes him in his arms and carry him to bed.

he then turns back to suggest Jens to go to the party that he was supposed to go , that he doesn't have to cancel it but Jens assures him that he wants to stay and takes a blanket and a pillow to sleep on the couch.

Robbe nods secretly relieved that he is staying because he still feels tense and strained after the conversation with Britt. it's good to have Jens tonight. 

he finally says goodbye and goes to bed, hugging sander trying to ground himself getting some sleep releasing some tension but sleep seems to never come and eventually when it does it only brings the terrifying nightmares with itself making Robbe suffer behind his closed eyelids.

he wakes up horrified around four. his body is hot all over sweating intensely, his chest heaving.

he immediately turns his head to sander hoping he hasn't waked him up. he is relieved to find sander sleeping safe and sound on his pillow, cheek squashed into the white fabric.

he gets out of bed carefully, not to wake him up.

he pads to the bathroom quietly and closes the door sitting on the brim of the bathtub. he has been anxious all night trying so hard not to overthink Britt's words but they seem to sink into his head little by little and the nightmares have intensified the anxiety. 

he looks down finding himself scratching his arm leaving red marks on his skin. the walls of the house seems to be closing on him making it hard to breath.

he needs to get out.

he doesn't remember when and how he gathered his pants and jacket and got out of the building. he just looks around and finds himself on the familiar muddy grass of the graveyard.

he slowly walks to the spot that he always ends up sitting whenever things have gotten too much for the past two years. 

he sits on the cold and damp ground, his body shivering as the wind blows into his messy brown hair. he gathers his knees to his chest and stares into the vast darkness that leads to the forest the graveyard is surrounded by.

he used to be afraid of the dark. he was never able to imagine himself walking into the darkness like this, to let the heinous darkness envelope his being and devour him like a monster.

but all those nights of coming here, when it was pitch black and the only one alive was him crying over a body buried deep into the ground , a body that used to carry his soulmate, make love with him and hold him in hard times.

all those nights he walked into the horrific darkness and mourned his own loss his biggest fear that had turned into reality. he had lost Eliott so nothing seemed scary anymore. nothing mattered.

it was stupid to think that sander's presence , his love and caring gestures would vanish everything away and out of Robbe's mind. no matter how good and beautiful and important sander is he still can't make Robbe stop blaming himself for what happened to Eliott. 

it's a battle Robbe seems to have to face on his own. he feels guilty, he feels stupid he feels that he has not been enough.

tears roll down his skin as he sobs silently. 

and now the thought of something similar, painful and nightmarish happening to sander makes his heart clench and his whole body get filled with terror.

he bends his arms around his knees and buries his face between them. his shoulders shaking from the cold and exhaustion.

"Robbe"

a familiar touch brings him back to himself. he lifts his head up and his eyes meet a pair of eyes that belong to the only person who has the same blue eyes as Eliott had. beautiful and kind.

"Brigitte" Robbe whispers as he stars at her. at Eliott's mom.

"hi baby" she gives him a warm smile with a hint of worry on her face.

she kneels beside him and takes Robbe in her arms. he buries his face in her embrace, his chest heaving as he tries to not sob loudly but he fails miserably.

she holds him rocking him trying to ease his pain "it's ok let it out" 

Robbe cries as he grasp her jacket with his fingers trying to ground himself.

she hold him patiently as he cries all the tears he has been holding, caressing his hair she tries to soothe him.

Robbe doesn't know how long they sit in that position. when he finally lift his head up sniffling , with red and puffy eyes he can see her properly now. she hasn't changed .her brown hair long and brushed tied at the back of her head her beautiful face in front of Robbe reminding him who Eliott had gotten his beauty from.

he sits up trying to get himself together. she sits beside him looking at him.

" i missed you. it's been months." she says softly.

Robbe sighs looking down " I'm sorry . everyone seems to have complains about that." he says in a self-deprecating tone.

she takes his hand trying to reassure him " no don't say that. you needed time... I just missed you we all did but it was hard for you"

Robbe chocks on his words " I'm being childish and stubborn but I can't...I.." his lips trembling ,words seem to be stuck in his mouth.

" it was hard for me too Robbe." she stares into the distant darkness " honestly if anyone can understand how you feel is me. I've lost my child." her lips trembling holding Robbe's hand consolingly trying to ground herself to go on " I know you feel responsible, waking up and going to sleep while constantly thinking that you should have been more alert and careful that you could somehow stop it but you didn't do enough and it happened."

Robbe only stares at her his own tears falling without him even realising.

" I know how you feel Robbe. I've lost my only one too. I know that we will be sad probably forever . a part of our heart will always bleed but we gotta stop with this, with...with not living with not seeing beauty in life anymore. I know there always going to be a layer of sadness like dust on everything that we see and feel , on the things that we touch. probably way too many things will forever remind us of what we could have had if he was still here. but we should move on respecting what he chose." 

Robbe whispers " I don't know how to move on." 

" you don't have to do much. just live your life and accept that there was a time in your life that you truly lived with him and loved him. that you don't have to feel what you felt forever. we just can love them as long as they let us do. and you were enough, more than enough Robbe you loved him like no one else. he was lucky to have you"

she turns to look at him bringing her hand up to brush his tears away smiling.

Robbe smiles through his tears " I'll try" squeezing her hand 

"good" she smiles a bit more relieved and less worried.

a comfortable silence falls between them. they sit there in the dark together listening to the birds that are chirping a telltale that another day is about to start.

" aren't you going to tell me about sander?" her smile getting brighter " he told me a lot about you"

Robbe looks at her in awe " he talked to you about me?" 

"he can't help it he really loves you but he told me not to tell you anything in case you wanted to tell me when you were ready."

he looks down feeling embarrassed " I'm sorry I think I'm still struggling to wrap my head around it."

" you are not sure how you feel about him?"

"no no I do. I really do but I'm not sure about myself. if I can be enough...

"Robbe " she says firmly but gently "anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. just take it minute by minute. don't take it away from yourself by overthinking it."

Robbe nods trying to let her words sink into his head.

suddenly remembering that he left the apartment without telling anyone Robbe stands up " I think I should go check on him he is ok though but..."

"is he alone at home?" 

"no I would never leave him alone. Jens is there."

she smiles as she gets up " another proof that he is so lucky" 

Robbe smiles feeling shy for the compliment.

"I brought my car. come I'll take you to your place." 

Robbe nods and they walk to her car together.

on the way back home he feels relieved. he needed to hear those words. 

"how come you came here tonight?" Robbe asks

"I just couldn't sleep. like someone was calling me. guess the universe works in strange ways."

"you talk like sander." Robbe smiles

"well yeah he talks a lot about stuff like that when he comes around." she laughs adding with a soft voice " come see me with him whenever you like. you know you are always welcome in my house baby."

Robbe nods smiling " I know thanks. I would love to" 

she pulls over in front of the apartment. they hug each other tightly before saying goodbye with the promise of meeting up soon. 

Robbe enters the flat quietly. the first lights of the day illuminating the room.

he takes his clothes off and crawls under the blanket. sander immediately hooks his arms around his waist hugging him tightly. Robbe smiles planting a kiss on his forehead.

with that sander buries his face in Robbe's neck and they both drift into sleep feeling safe in each other's arms.

Robbe rolls to his side. arm pating the empty space on bed that is sander's.

his eyes shoot open and he tries to not panic that he hears murmuring sounds from out of the room somewhere in the flat.

checks the time. it's 10:30

he walks out and follows the voice. he ends up in the kitchen finding Jens and sander talking as Jens is drinking coffee and laughing at probably what sander has said and sander beside the oven flipping some croques in the pan.

they both look into Robbe's direction as he steps inside.

"good morning" Robbe smiles as he leans on the door frame looking at sander who has a bright smile on his face staring at Robbe with his playful green eyes.

"good morning." sander walks up to him planting a kiss on his lips " I hope you are hungry because I made a lot of them." pointing at the pile of croques in the plate on the kitchen counter.

"yeah I'm starving."

Jens's phone goes off and he picks it up .

" hi . baby.... yeah I'll be there in an hour..." he chuckles adding " don't worry too much Luca you'll be handsome no matter what you wear...ok see you...ok..bye."

he then gets up " I gotta go Luca is meeting some of his teachers at a gallery tonight and wants me to go with him."

"that's amazing." sander says smiling fondly.

Jens nods smiling and gets up to get dressed.

Robbe follows him to the hall , thanking him for his help with everything. they hug and promise to meet up soon then Jens leaves.

Robbe comes back to find sander washing the cups in the sink

" you don't have to do that baby. I'll do it later." Robbe says hugging him from behind wrapping his arms around him.

" it's ok . it's not much beside you have been doing a lot the past week. you should get some rest."

Robbe goes on his tip toes to kiss his cheek " I'm fine." and when sander turns around to hug him back he rubs his nose to him whispering " I promise." 

sander smilies " ok " and kisses him. finally after days Robbe can taste those lips again. how he missed feeling sander like this, wrapped in his arms kissing him like they have all the time in the world, desperate , craving each other like they used to and sander reciprocating it makes Robbe melt in his arms. 

after a minute sander pulls back putting his head on Robbe's. 

" but you didn't have to" 

Robbe frowns confused "have to what?" 

sander closes his eyes exhaling "babysitting me. "

"sander" Robbe whispers trying to get him to look at Robbe "I don't babysit you. it's not like that. I take care of you and beside I want you to be here close to me." 

"you know what I mean. I don't want it to be too much for you"

"it's not I promise." Robbe smiles as sander looks at him again. lips so close only a breath away from turning into a sweet kiss. 

"but one day if it got too much promise me that you would tell me or just put me back to my flat or ask for help or if you can't take it at all you can always..."

Robbe cuts him off before he finishes "we don't know what the future can bring. let's just not overthink it. we'll take it minute by minute ok?" 

"ok" sander whispers

" and this minute we kiss." Robbe says smiling bumping his nose to him.

sander smilies saying "I love you" before connecting their lips again kissing Robbe forgetting about everything else. 

they spend the rest of the weekend together watching movies and taking short walks since sander is still tired and Robbe doesn't want to put any pressure on him.

on monday sander arrange a therapy session with his doctor and the plan to come back to Robbe's flat at the end of the day.

Robbe arrives home around 6 pm. sander texts him to let him know that he will be there around 8 since he has to go to pharmacy to get his medication on his way.

Robbe lays down on the bed still wearing his jacket and jeans , too tired to take them off.

he is sprawled on the bed staring at the ceiling wondering what he is going to do till sander arrives, maybe taking a nap or making some coffee. 

as he is contemplating his options his eyes roam around the room and on the walls.

he knows what he is going to do.

he takes a box out of the closet and gently takes off the drawings that are placed on the walls all over the room. 

he puts them carefully in the box , looking at every drawing remembering the memory behind any of them. smiling at some of them and feeling tears burning his eyes as he finds some dark and bitter memory by looking at some of the others.

he puts Eliott's camera and painting supplies in another box and his cloth in another. smelling his fading scent on his favourite brown jacket.

he is almost finished with the packing that he hears the bedroom door click. 

sander enters the room with a bright smile that slightly falls as he sees the boxes filled with Eliott's stuff.

"what are you doing?" 

Robbe gets up to put the last box on the rest of the boxes " I'm taking his stuff off the room." 

"why?" sander asks as he steps closer to Robbe 

he looks up at sander "because I think it's time to move on." 

"Robbe" sander whispers "you don't have to . you can take your time."

Robbe smiles " I know baby." he then exhales as he goes on " he will always be here." tapping on his chest right above his heart.

sander smiles noding.

"but these" refering to the boxes " they don't need to be here anymore. I'm moving on from this. I'm keeping him in my heart."

sander steps closer and puts his arms around him burying his face in his neck breathing Robbe's sweet scent. " I love you"

"I love you too." Robbe says holding him tight.

the faint sound of a cat meowing gets them out of their bubble.

Robbe looks at the door confused before sander chuckling and taking him to the hall.

when they step out Robbe sees a little orange kitten on the floor trying to jump on the couch but failing miserably. 

"where did you come from?" Robbe takes the kitten in his hands carefully not to hurt it.

"found it near academy. he was alone and I waited but it's mom never showed up so I brought it with me." sander says looking at the kitten letting it play with his fingers.

" so you are taking it to your flat?" Robbe pouts giving sander his best puppy eyes.

sander chuckles " we can keep it in turns like one week at my place the other in yours." he raises his eyebrows playfully waiting.

"or you could move in with me so we didn't have to be apart from the cat or each other." Robbe says serious but soft .

when sander keep looking at him he suddenly start overthinking adding quickly " of course if you want..."

sander only closes the gap between them and kisses robbe passionately. when they part to catch their breath sander whispers "I'd love to move in with you." 

"yeah?" Robbe gives him a bright smile the ones that make sander weak on his knees.

"hundred percent." 

the kitten jumps on Robbe's arm trying to climb him making them both laugh and turn to play with her. 

finally the kitten gets tired so sander takes the sleepy kitten to the couch to lay her down and in that moment Robbe just stares at him with a fond smile thinking how lucky he is to have sander , that maybe robbe doesn't know what the future may bring for them but he knows something for sure.

that life is now.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading it❤️
> 
> I started this at the end of summer and didn't continue it for a while. And now just decided to share the first part.  
> I don't really know how I'm going to write the rest of it , just have some ideas which are not very appealing to me. But I try to get my shit together in my head and write it as soon as I can.


End file.
